La Gomera ~ the first months
It has been a long time I've been wanting to write and I just couldn’t get around to it. I started to work part-time at the language school and I also taught some hours online and the preparation for the lessons totally stole my time and energy. I also hated to sit in front of the screen for too long and I often escaped to the beach or to the mountains to recharge instead of typing. I just couldn’t make myself sit any longer in front of the computer screen. But now, I am on a 3-week Christmas holiday, and I feel free to do it. So this post is a recap of the previous months.
After I finished writing my book and sent the proposal to literary agents in early September I knew I was ready to begin the next chapter in my life. I contacted random language schools in the Canaries which I found online. I thought it would be better to start on a smaller island so I was especially interested in one school on La Gomera.
La Gomera = Solar Plexus
EMOTIONAL ISSUES: Self-worth, self-confidence, self-esteem, self-power, personal identity, independence
IF THIS CHAKRA IS BALANCED WE FEEL: Self-confident, have a strong sense of purpose, and are self-motivated
IF THIS CHAKRA IS IMBALANCED WE MAY EXPERIENCE: Low self-esteem, have difficulty in making decisions or may have anger and control issues
PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: Central nervous system, pancreas, liver, digestive tract, skin
I wanted my strength, confidence, and independence back! After having lost my positive vibe and direction while I was living in Hungary during the pandemic, I knew I needed help to shape back to my worth. My Solar Plexus was totally imbalanced so I wanted to come to La Gomera first.
Before I left home I wrote this verse:
“Get yourself unstuck
Live the life you want
It may begin hard
But it’s worth it in the long run..”
I flew out on my birthday and arrived on the day when the volcano Cumbre Vieja erupted on the neighbouring island, La Palma. The eruption has now ended (officially ended on 13th December) and I just want to say that life on the other islands, in fact, life on the other parts of La Palma itself were not affected by the volcanic activity. Only 8 % of La Palma suffered directly from the consequences of the eruption. Life just continued as normal everywhere else. People needed to go to work and the children needed to go to school. We felt some tremors in November and in early December but they were so minor that one could hardly notice. In the news, everything appeared scarier and way more disastrous than in reality and I just wanted to clear out some fear. Also, you may not agree with me but I believe people who built houses in an active volcano region shouldn't be surprised by their losses. I know in some cases it was inevitable because they work in the area or for other reasons but many of the houses that got lost in the natural disaster were luxury holiday homes which, I assume, didn't belong to the locals. The Earth is in constant movement/ evolution, like we, humans are. Volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, etc. are a natural part of the everflowing change of life. The sooner we accept this, the less sorry we are for our losses. We can be more responsible. The government and rescue forces did an excellent job of evacuating everyone in time and handling the catastrophe. Solidarity was strong and people helped each other in all ways possible.
I stayed in a hostel for the first 11 nights while I was still unsure about my position at the language school. Then on the last night, I received an unexpected call for a flat view. Saw it, liked it, signed the contract and the next morning I moved in.
It was exciting to be here in the first few weeks. I stuffed myself with juicy local fruit and busked in the sun. I utterly enjoyed going to work in a T-shirt and flip-flops. There’s one thing, though, that kept following me everywhere I went. The noise. Both my hostel room and the apartment face the street where either road works going on or lines of cars passing under my window. The same issue I struggled with in Hungary and in Malta. Why?? I know it has something to do with my vibration and the outside world will not improve around me until the vibration improves within me. Soon the solution I come up with is moving to the kitchen floor (the kitchen faces the back of the building which is quieter) to sleep at night because I couldn’t stand the traffic noise. It’s ridiculous but looking for another flat from the space of anxiety & stress would result in the same situation. I have to change the feelings within me first. So when I go to the beach or hiking in the mountains, I am at peace and feel free, which I need to feel more of in order to override the negative feelings in me and manifest the positive changes.
The job is another challenge. I teach English to local kids, many of whom are not disciplined, and there is no classroom behaviour established. The lesson plans are not fully compatible with the students’ interests and I find myself spending hours in front of my laptop to research new ideas or activities that might please the kids enough to pay attention in class. Also, there are no windows in the classrooms, and I feel the energy is not flowing but rather gets stuck inside, and instead of being cleared out by airing the rooms it accumulates over the hours, even for days, and there is no fresh start possible. And, of course, the used air, the mask covering my mouth, and the stress all together give me a headache and the feeling of being energetically depleted. It’s an absolute joy to shut the classroom door and step out of the building after 8 pm.
This negative approach to work is very new to me. I love working and I always loved the jobs I was doing. — Virgos love working. Period. Apparently, we are the hardest workers among the zodiac signs — If I didn’t, I left and looked for another one. In London, it was easier due to the number of opportunities. On the Canaries, I am happy that I have a job at all, especially after the pandemic setback. I am kind of afraid of losing my job because no way I move back to my parents' house again. I still haven’t healed from that experience.
Children used to be my source of joy, fun, and love. But these kids on La Gomera are different. They have no manners. I wonder if this behaviour pattern is typical among the Canarian kids in general or just for this specific island.
In October I finally lived free and independent again. I made my own money and worked in a field that inspired me. Yes, next to the difficulties, there were still good days and hope too.
Despite the forward movement, I continued to feel internally unstable. I was highly sensitive to the traffic noise and had disturbed nights of sleep. I didn't sleep well for nearly two months and I felt the tension with all particles in my body. I wanted to live in a quiet and hearty place but the part of the island I am at is full of cars and roadworks which distress me. I find no comfort at home. It's like living in a constant fight. This brings me to share my new discovery about the name Lova which means Battle Noise. And according to another source it means Famous Warrior.
In the first month of settling in, I still felt I could lose my job at any minute. Not because of covid but because I didn’t feel I fit in. I was the outsider, the extra person, who got dropped in the classrooms until the other teachers arrived from the US and Canada. I had a lot of passion but English, being my second language, made me feel not enough next to the native speakers. But then later I realised it was all in me, my insecurities, that had nothing to do with the language school and their expectations. Eventually, two teachers left the school soon after they had arrived and I got some of their hours and finally, the work contract too.
The other thing that made me feel I didn't fit in was that I just couldn’t accommodate the kids’ loud and disobedient behaviour and I was struggling to establish boundaries with children who didn’t understand English. Despite all four teachers having had issues with the kids, the school director seemed to be fine with it. In fact, she went into the classroom to help the new teacher and she came out saying “This is not how to do it.” She failed in classroom management and proved that she couldn’t handle the kids at her school. What can I expect then if she can’t demand attention & respect either? The truth is, that she is not in the driver’s seat. The kids are. And I think if you let this happen for so long without consequences, it will slip through your fingers and you completely lose control. This might have already happened, actually.
The only way to create balance is to have boundaries.
Photos from around the island
The highlight of this month was when I flew to Fuerteventura to see the kite festival. I missed it two times in the past and I was so ready to finally be there this year! I just got my residency sorted out and the travel discount that Canary residents are entitled to, a day before the travel, so I organised my trip in a rush which came with some disadvantages like missing my meeting with Sara, which deeply saddened me. I so wanted to catch up with her and Tom! I wanted to see familiar faces because I started to feel a little lonely on La Gomera. I also had to cancel my car and then stood in line for two hours to re-book it at FUE airport upon arrival. Then I had to change the flight to the ferry in order to be able to be back on time for work on Monday. Later I continued to attract unwanted events like I couldn’t attend my date (yes, I met a guy!) because I drove my hired car into the deeper sand and couldn’t get out for hours. Eventually, 3 people helped me push it back on the road but it was too late by then. Then at night I drove on the curb at the petrol station and landed with a big bang because I didn’t see well in the dark. But who cares, I finally saw the kites and had a good time on the sand dunes!
I feel very alone. The loneliness is palpable.
Although earlier in December I enjoyed watching the start of the Atlantic Challenge (https://www.taliskerwhiskyatlanticchallenge.com/), the world's toughest row. Contestants row across the Atlantic Ocean from the Canaries to Antigua. Incredible!
We have 3 weeks off during the holiday, which I find unnecessarily long especially if I have no peace at home to relax or money to be somewhere else. For 2 weeks I had absolute nada social interaction and no one to speak to. I had a little online chat in a form of texts but nothing else that would have made me feel that I mattered. Over Christmas, I sank into deep loneliness. I felt so alone and vulnerable. I cried for two days, felt the pain out and then I scraped myself up and went for a hike. I instantly felt better in nature. So I went again and again. Each time I went a little bit further and higher. I don’t know why I feel so alone and depleted in the city. Is it the unhappy people or the lifeless things (buildings, cars, electronics) around me? I know I have this deep loneliness feeling within me that breaks to the surface from time to time. I think I wrote about it before. I am not quite sure why I have this feeling. It comes from a very deep place, it may be a very early memory that I can’t recall. Abandonment. Disconnection. A deep loss. Or family’s pain. I know that my mum lost her brother when I was in her tummy. He died just two months before I was born. Maybe I carry my mum’s pain. I also used to connect this feeling to my twin but I don’t know anymore. I wish I knew better! In that dark place, I wrote this: “I totally understand why people take drugs. If I took drugs, I would overdose now.” It’s like I channel someone else's pain and suffering. And then there's this "empaths feel about everything and they can cry a lot about anything until they transition into understanding more about the law of attraction, and then they transition into the mastery of their own empathy, then they transition into not allowing themselves to feel bad about anything and to understand everything has its place in the world in the way it is and that there's a reason for everything that is beyond a human understanding..." Twin Flame Consciousness
I’ve signed up for an Ayahuasca retreat in January and I will try to focus on this issue to clear it out. I will let you know what happens.
Until then ♡