Ayahuasca - the 2nd time
I went to the same retreat in Tenerife. At that time I was volunteering in the mountain in the south of Gran Canaria and in order to get to Tenerife on time I had to get up at 4:30 a.m., walk through the forest with a flashlight, catch the bus from San Bartolomé (the one of four that was scheduled for that day) to wimple down the road to a bigger town called Vecindario from where I could change for another bus that took me to the airport. Just this part of the day was adventurous enough!
One of the participants picked me up at Tenerife Norte and drove me to the location in the lush, green, quiet part of the island, very close to the airport. I love you, Ana! Unlike the previous time, I arrived quite early and there were a lot of free mattresses to pick from. I chose one between two unoccupied mattresses and left it to destiny who would set up on my sides. As the afternoon went by I said words of affirmation about my intentions for the medicine, helped set up the canvas door of the tent, and slowly received my neighbours: a man on my left from La Gomera and a young girl from Colombia on my right. We were in the elephant corner. All three of us had elephant-printed throws and also there was a big elephant scarf that was hanging above my left neighbour's mattress.
My request for the medicine was:
strengthen my masculine side/ ego
heal/ improve my relationship with money,
find and remove financial blocks/ fears, unconscious held-backs
telepathy: connect with A.H. (the literary agent I want to be represented by)
...and of course, stay open to anything else my guides want to let me know.
This night began with the same preparation, body exercises, and mantras as we did in January. It gave me comfort to know what to expect. When we were arranged in groups of four to introduce ourselves, I found myself in a circle with three boys. I took it as a sign that the masculine energy began to do its job on me. Then we had the Syrian root that tasted more disgustingly bitter than I remembered and a little later we drank the Ayahuasca which also tasted sickening this time. Literally. I could hold it down for no longer than 20 minutes and then it came back up with the water I drank afterward to wash my mouth out. Then I waited. I witnessed how the other participants have transformed under the medicine and how the place has turned into a human zoo. I, on the other hand, stayed unaffected. I was waiting patiently if 'the magic' would come but it didn't. I reported my soberness to one of the helpers and she told me that they would be offering a second round soon. In the meantime, I found out that my neighbours and the English sailor were slightly unaffected too. We all threw up too soon, I suspected. Me twice. It is said that for the best result Ayahuasca needs to be held down for 30 mins from the point of drinking it.
The second round was not inviting. My stomach was not well, and every particle of my body was against another cup of Ayahuasca. I tried to prolong taking another portion of the Syrian root as well because my stomach shrank just by looking at the metal cup. Nonetheless, I like to listen to my body, I didn't pay to just sleep tonight, so I sucked it up. I had the Syrian root powder and chomped 2 slices of apple right away to get the bitter taste out of my mouth. My stomach, however just turned worse and my disgust to drink the second Ayahuasca was stronger than my desire. Eventually, I didn't bother to have my cup refilled with the mud-brown liquid but went to the kitchen instead to have rice cakes or something that would remove the burning sensation from my stomach. I only found oat biscuits, I had two slices but it didn't help. I was angry about how this night was turning out. Having been still sober but carrying a volcano in my stomach (maybe too much acid?), I turned in and tried to block everyone and everything out around me despite the music was too loud and I was upset that I couldn't even fall asleep because of it. Then I sobbed silently under the pressure I created for myself with my thoughts. I buried my face under my arms and was trying to fall asleep. Slowly the feeling of disappointment transformed into letting go. I let go of wanting to get something else out of this experience than what it was. I surrendered. And THIS is when the magic began to happen.
The first image I saw was a golden bracelet with letters on it. I could make out 'J' & 'U' and the rest remained a mystery because, as soon as I realized that I entered the dream zone or lucid dreaming stage, I got excited. I had wanted to be in my head and here I was, great! I wept a little in shame of having not trusted the medicine that it would work and apologised to Ayahuasca for my behaviour. Just now I understood that everything happened for a reason. I understood that in order to be in my head I needed not to have Ayahuasca in my stomach because that would have created a very emotional experience, like the one I had in January, which would have distracted me from the potential of my third eye.
Back to the letters 'J' & 'U'. I asked what the word was and all I could resonate with was July. "When in July?" I asked my guides. Then I remembered what Peter told me weeks ago about the letter jumble I put in front of him (the name of the literary agent), he saw 'new moon' and 'soon' that stood out for him from the letters of her name. So I connected the bracelet with the new moon in July which was soon, only 6 days away from the date of the retreat. From here I focused on the book and directed my 'movie' in which I reached out to the agent via telepathy. I created every important detail from how she felt when she read the manuscript to the published work and the successful collaboration between us. When I was done, I received other random messages relating to my body and health like "you are a treasure, you can't eat junk" & "the head/ thoughts affect the health of the lungs, and the feelings/ heart matters affect the stomach". Then I felt tired and cried when I admitted that I was exhausted from my life. I felt very unsuccessful for not seeing the reward for my efforts and hard work. Then they told me that I had done enough and that I needed these travel journeys to become wiser, and now I had to release and rest. I was led to do a breathing exercise, that helped me let go of the concerns & worry from my stomach I was holding on to. And then I felt much relief and peace in my body.
They also showed me a baby girl. I asked what was the name of the baby, they said Ella. And the next day I heard Ella Fitsgerald's 'Summertime' from the speakers. It was strange because from the speakers there are always spiritual & ayahuasca-style of music blaring and suddenly it was Ella F. 'Summertime'. I listened carefully to the lyrics if there was a line that stood out for me but actually it was the title that stuck with me.
During this experience, I was also shown a wheel that reminded me of the Wheel of Fortune tarot card. I understood that the wheel was turning in my favour, and I thought it was going to be the book deal that I finally receive, but they showed me a heart ❤️ next to the wheel, and I heard "We will give you what you want, but first love." Then I received a couple of more messages and I noticed that my right shoulder circled every now and then like I had tension in there (but I didn't) and I just felt the need to move it around. Also, my right hand took this position👆with my index finger pointing out several times and I didn't understand why. I know that the right side is the masculine side. A beautiful bee also appeared in front of me, probably from my subconscious. I am usually good at asking questions from my guides and higher self but tonight I didn't remember to do so, and I was left in the dark about a few things that later I tried to connect to clues.
So my little detective mind put together the story from the messages that I did understand: something was going to happen at the new moon in July (summertime), which is connected to a new beginning (baby & wheel of fortune) in love (heart shape).
In the morning when I woke up, it was already daytime and I couldn't wait to mosey down to the kitchen to eat something. I felt super dizzy and was unable to fully coordinate my movements. I got up and fell back to bed. I started to laugh at myself for acting like I had a massive hangover. My head felt heavy, my vision was slightly blurry, and I needed to walk very slowly, kind of like taking baby steps, down the hill to avoid tumbling down. When I reached the outdoor kitchen area, I sat down on a chair at the table and just stared out of my head for a long while. I thought I wanted to eat, but my stomach was not ready to take in food, so I ended up drinking a couple of mugs of warm tea with honey first, and dipped some oat biscuits in it. I operated in slow-motion and ate very carefully. Later, I moved down on the carpet and lay in the shade of some trees. I spent my time here until lunch just resting, processing last night's experience, and journaling. I also saw the Moon in the sky, a small crescent of it that was the last phase before the New Moon, and there was a bird flying around it. I interpreted this message as 'around the New Moon'. So, around the New Moon in July a new beginning in love.
The oracle card I pulled from the Earth Warriors deck
(36 is my Life Purpose number)
During the afternoon on the second day, I regained my strength and ate quite a lot but in small portions each time. I had cravings for chocolate and I instantly knew that was because chocolate is beneficial for the third eye and my third eye was very active last night. Under the experience, I saw myself with three eyes and I knew that my Third Eye chakra was wide awake. Luckily, I found some dark chocolate in the fridge and consumed a piece of it with delight.
In the sharing circle, we were asked to share a negative feeling (if we had one), and a positive one. My negative was clearly 'loneliness', and the positive was 'beauty'. I felt alone at the retreat (and in life in general). I really wanted to share myself and chat with others but most people spoke Spanish and I felt left out by not understanding what they were talking or laughing about.
Before we took Ayahuasca, those who vomited too soon last night were advised to drink the medicine in 3-4 small sips leaving 5 minutes in between. I hated the taste so much that I didn't want to lift the cup to my lips 3-4 times so I drank the liquid in two steps instead. I threw up just about 10 minutes after the first sip. Then I witnessed eight people across me throwing up too, one after the other like dominos, and many people in my line followed as well. It was quite a puke party! Infectious like laughter but instead of laughing we vomited violently. It seemed that almost no one could hold the medicine down. It was hard to drink the second sip, my stomach was exhausted, and I didn't want to throw up again but I did. It came back up almost right away.
In spite of throwing up way too soon, it started to affect me. I saw a pirate skull, and I felt discomfort in my body, I thought I would throw up again but I was just spitting and coughing up slime from very deep below. After an intense rush of cough, I felt as if something moved in one of my organs that was not the stomach and I coughed up some disgusting bile with bits swimming in it. The bits were probably the yet undigested food, crumbs of bread maybe I had earlier but in that Ayahuasca state of mind, they seemed to be tiny slugs/ bugs/ leeches to me and I thought I coughed up the bugs that had been stuck and living in my intestine. I felt a massive relief. Finally getting them out, made me happy and I wanted to celebrate. I imagined that my organs were having a party and celebrating with me. (This was actually really cute.) I also thanked Ayahuasca for its help.
I somehow believed that these bugs were from my mum. I got infected through her intestines when I was in her womb and this is how she was in my way energetically, holding me down with the bugs. (as crazy as it sounds!). Then I forgave her and let go. I felt flat, smoothed out with the ground as I lay on my mattress face down and the feeling of peace moved inside of me. Alberto, one of the elderly helpers, assisted me through my intense coughing phase by sitting down next to me and placing his hand on my back. His caring intention and warmth reminded me of a father's touch on a sick child.
Soon after that Ayahuasca started to wear off and I became more aware but I continued lying on my mattress occasionally watching what others were up to like our shaman/leader smoked something and rolled over on the floor and passed out in a star shape in front of me. Also, Terry, the English sailor, told me that I was a star after the first Ayahuasca night, which confirmed to me that I am a star child as the reiki master told me years ago. Then at some point, I fell asleep. When I woke up, my guy neighbour asked me if I wanted Changa. They offered Changa to boost Ayahuasca and if I remember well, one of the helpers explained to me that Changa is like Ayahuasca but you smoke it. In our case, as my mattress neighbour explained "..it's a cocktail with some bufo mixed in it too..". I was in an experimenting mood and would have liked to try it. One life, live it.
At first, I felt a bit nervous and awkward because I am not a smoker and had no idea what to expect from the feeling in my throat and lungs. Alberto was next to me and my mattress buddy was also keeping an eye on me. It felt good to be supported. This is what happened: I went into a slightly psychedelic experience. I was in another dimension... it's not easy to describe it. It was different from Ayahuasca. I felt like being somewhere else but I could see everything clearly around me. I didn't know where to put this feeling. It was so very strange. Then I gradually started to feel weaker, kind of out of my body and Alberto suggested I lie down, which I did. I placed my hands on my stomach and was breathing through this strange yet very trustworthy experience. My whale breathing was back while I was observing this new feeling within me. Then I was slowly fading into sleep and Alberto laid a throw on me. He lay down next to me, the shaman/leader was still at my foot and Edward a bit further down the mattress on my other side. I felt looked after by the masculine. Alberto's fatherly care brought so much comfort to me. I felt safe in this circle.
Somewhat later, I crawled underneath the blanket covering my face, pulling up my knees and placing my arms and hands in the position embryos do inside the womb. It felt so good and beautiful to be in this state! And then I started to see my hip bones, wheels, and tools and I realised that someone or something was working on repairing my hip. (Yeah, my right hip is a bit problematic with the bones being too close and rubbing against each other. Something with the cartilage. It doesn't cause major issues yet but it may do in the future as time goes on.)
When I woke up next, it was dawn. I could stand up easily, so I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and came back to sleep some more. I snoozed until 09:20 and when I woke up again, I felt fresh and energetic.
About Changa: https://psychedelicspotlight.com/what-is-changa/
On my way back to Gran Canaria I had a feeling of completeness like this journey was complete. This Ayahuasca experience was very different from the first one. I didn't need time for myself to process the experience afterward. I didn't go through 'landing phase' or difficulty integrating back into my daily life. The people around me, though, subconsciously could have picked up on the changes in my energy field. I spent 5 more days at the volunteer place with the family (with the depressive mother) and then a few days at the hostel in Las Palmas. The child's mum, for example, turned noticeably more depressed. My vibration was higher and hers sank lower than it was before creating more distance between us. I developed a strong desire to slap her just to wake her up from her self-created misery.
At the hostel, I met a guy who told me that my Chi was very strong (Chi is the life force energy). He told me that he felt somebody arrived with a strong Chi and when he opened the door I was checking in at the reception. This guy, turned out, knew a lot about the Ayahuasca plant. Apple, one of the volunteers I got to know 3 weeks ago when I was at the hostel for the first time, also told me that something was different about me. She saw me as calmer and more peaceful. And I noticed that many other people at the hostel wanted to be around me, kind of like wanting a piece of me.
I checked in at the hostel on 30th July, 2 days after the New Moon (remember "around the New Moon"). I spent here four nights and yes, I did meet someone special. At first, I didn't want to write about it because I wanted to protect our connection but then, after two months of no news from him, I began to see this connection as "the same old" that led me nowhere - I sadly noted that I am still attracted to the wrong kind of love, the unavailable man - and I didn't feel the need to protect it anymore. So here are some details.
We only talked on my last day and I didn't pick up on anything special about him on the spot, to be honest, apart from recognizing him being a sweet soul with a cute smile, who is so damn younger than me. And the synchronicity! He gave me one of his drawings with a girl in a swimming costume that looked like me from the back. Interestingly on the same day, earlier in the morning, I lost my swimming costume which looked scarily similar to the one in his drawing. I had a feeling he manifested me in his life but I didn't give too much thought to it. All I knew was that I had a flight to catch the next day and I was getting nervous about travelling. But a day after I left the islands, it hit me: I left a soulmate behind. We were in two different countries now but I strongly felt his presence around me, or part of me even. I felt his sexual energy and I felt him watching me (which he did on Instagram). I could not stop thinking of him. I suddenly saw clearer and had so many questions to ask him, I wanted to get to know him better. We changed a few messages over the next couple of weeks. He opened up about his feelings for me and told me the same I secretly had about him. We had a connection...but we didn't have each other. Then he stopped responding to my messages and I stopped thinking of him.
This whole scenario started to remind me of my past TF journey and having learnt my lesson I decided not to invest time and energy into this connection until I see 'the masculine' making an effort to be in my life. So THIS is the love story that I saw coming with the help of Ayahuasca, boohoo. Maybe this connection will survive and we meet again in the future (says my heart), or maybe the Universe just has a great sense of humour (says my head).
And then I heard this, that felt relevant: "You have the gift of "illumination". Your light reveals shadows in others. This masculine is drawn to your light but wasn't ready in the past to face his shadow."
I also heard a simple yet powerful message at the Shamanic Wisdom Summit which made me look at the messages I received as just messages and not think anything behind them. Let the messages be and allow them to unfold naturally without you overthinking their meaning.
Below I copied the links to some of the music/mantras/chants that I liked at the retreat (just click on the titles). Hope you'll enjoy some of this music too!
Om Mani Padme Hum - Youtube
Krishna Das: Show me love - Youtube
Noku Mana - Youtube
Todo Cura Todo Sana - Youtube
Ayahuasca Takimuyki - Soundcloud
Conundrum - Soundcloud
Guru Ram Dass Chant (Miracle of the heart prayer) - Youtube
Sa Ta Na Ma by Nirinjan Kaur - Youtube
El Ka Leem Om - Soundcloud
Musica Medicinal - Youtube
Thank you for reading!
Until next time ♡