Ayahuasca on Tenerife
I participated in the 2-night event in January. It was a deep, insightful experience during which all healing and connection to the spirit world and higher self were possible. I went through a whole lot of experiences & teachings of spirit animals, gained insight regarding my life purpose and I managed to unite my masculine and feminine sides clearing out unresolved issues with my father. It was emotionally painful at times but overall beautiful and magical!
I met one of the participants, an Irish guy, at the airport and we took a taxi together to the retreat. In the room where the ceremony took place, we chose two mattresses side by side, in fact, one lady who had arrived earlier, moved down so that we could have 2 mattresses next to each other because, I think, she thought that we were a couple. I admit I felt like he was waiting for me or that he knew I was coming and he wanted to meet me. Not him physically but something on a soul level. He recognized me, my spirit. My answer? Kept my guard up and maintained distance. I don't move fast.
The place felt spiritual and accommodating from the beginning. I felt everything that happened here had a meaning, like who I started to talk to and what we discussed, who approached me to give me a hug, and why Christian (the leader) put a question mark next to Bufo Alvarius under my name when I clearly stated that I was not interested in trying it. Christian was intuitive. Now that I think back, I understand why he did or said certain things that seemed cloudy to me at the moment. He could pick up on your energy and teach you about yourself. I suspect he intuitively knew Bufo could be good for me. I didn't. I went with myself and kept Bufo out of my way. (P.S. What I think now, a week after the ceremony is a whole different story.)
We started to warm up to Ayahuasca in the evening with some chants, music, meditation, body stretching and were asked to organize ourselves in smaller groups to get to know each other a little bit. We were advised to take turns in speaking and the other group members were not allowed to interrupt the speaker, just listen. This is when I noticed (everybody noticed!) that the Irish guy kept looking at me and broke out into smiles that made me nervous and blush. On a soul level, I knew he was someone special, but my ego resisted. It was like having known each other all along yet meeting for the first time and the collision of the two experiences resulted in both cautiousness and curiosity in me.
After drinking Ayahuasca I went outside a little bit because I had a headache from the thick smoke (sage, palo santo) inside the room. I took some deep breaths from the crispy air under the starry sky. I remember I was staring at the stars for a short while before I started to feel that I slightly lost coordination of my body. As if I was getting drunk but still in control enough to speak clearly and find my mattress. Then I started to feel bits of hair in my mouth that I attempted to remove with my finger until I realized that there was nothing in my mouth. Then I thought I would just lie down like everybody had done in the room, and fell asleep. I could not have been more wrong!!! The trip was just beginning. I soon lost the feeling in my legs, body, and lastly in my head. I literally felt a wave washed over me from bottom to top and even my brain went numb leaving a tiny part untouched which I interpreted as my consciousness. Just a small bit that could reassure me that I remember everything I would experience in the next 4 hours. And then I felt like I died. Something was cut within me (maybe my ego?) and I was in a different dimension. This scared me at first because I had no control and no feeling in my body. I didn't feel my heartbeat either. One of my hands was resting next to my head and I could just stretch out my fingers to run on my neck to find my pulse. When I felt my pulse I became more relaxed believing that my heart must have been beating too, otherwise, I wouldn't have a pulse. My neck felt very soft, kind of swollen. I didn't feel the hard bits, the bones, and the muscle in my neck. I was a piece of jelly. I remember looking at my fingers, checking if they were swollen but they didn't look swollen to my eyes.
The spider story
The first vision I got was a big black spider in a sugar skull decoration that was both scary and comic. Because I am arachnophobic I refused to close my eyes until it was gone. But it was not gone and I couldn't keep my eyes open much longer. I surrendered. I knew that fear could come up during Ayahuasca and there it was. The spider. When I closed my eyes next, I didn't actually see the black spider but felt like I am one. I was wearing my black coat with the hood on my head and I associated my posture with spiders. One smaller black dot for the head and one bigger black dot for the body. My legs were pulled under my body at this point.
I saw spiders here and there but it didn't seem significant after I surrendered to the vision/ hallucination. At the same time, I felt nauseous and kept spitting piled-up saliva from my mouth to the vomit bag at the end of my mattress (all participants had one of these bags). I was in a lying position keeping my head close to the bag because I could barely move. Until I realized if I really really want to, I can move gently and slowly with the help and instructions of the untouched part of my brain. The spitting soon turned into coughing up saliva/ mucous and then just coughing but not vomiting. (P.S. I survived both nights without throwing up.) I felt as if something was obstructing my throat and I didn't understand why I kept spitting. The thing in my throat felt like a furball or something hairy. A rather uncomfortable feeling that I connected to having a spider in my throat. I completely lost my sense of time but the coughing felt like it went on for a long time. I was coughing from the throat, then from the stomach, and from somewhere even lower/ deeper from the abdomen. Something REALLY wanted to come out and I remember tearing up because I didn't understand what that was and because I was tired of coughing. Then at one moment, I did see the spider in my throat kind of halfway out. The same black spider I saw in the beginning. As soon as my feeling was confirmed by the vision I started to work on coughing it out. Eventually, something moved and I felt like I was getting closer and I gave all my strength to cough the spider out. It actually felt like I was coughing up all the spiders I had eaten as a spider in my previous life. * My tears were rolling down my cheeks quietly and I asked for forgiveness from all the spiders that I consumed. As crazy as it sounds. But I also think it could have been releasing the karma after all the spiders I killed from fear in my life. And soon after that, I took off my coat, which I associated with the metaphor of not being the spider anymore.
*Portia fimbriata spider (photo by Jurgen Otto)
has significantly better vision than other spiders (keen eye for details!)
can sense vibrations from surfaces (sensitivity!)
they are remarkable for their intelligent hunting behaviour (creativity, ideas!)
problem-solving (!)
they can plan ahead (!)
patience (!)
they feed on other spiders between 10% - 200% of their own size (not afraid of challenges!)
Because I had consulted for Medical Astrology a year ago and had received a homeopathy formula called Portia Fimbriata, I knew that I have something to do with the qualities of this specific spider. Portia Fimbriata is the only spider-eating spider in the world. This is Google, not my inner wisdom. :) So I knew that this spider had something to do with my being. I, however, didn't know that I actually was it until now. And later I realized that the reason I felt like I was made of jelly was that spiders don't have bones.
"They are remarkable for their intelligent hunting behaviour, which suggests that they are capable of learning and problem solving, traits normally attributed to much larger animals."
After the spider struggle, my body went into resting mode. My left hand, though, wanted to move and I started to play with my fingers that moved like the legs of spiders when they hang from the net. (I just got shivers just by writing about this!). And when the music changed my fingers moved differently which now reminded me of an Indian dancer's hand gestures. And then soon after that, another story began.
The whale story
I was reborn as a whale. My breathing changed. I took long deep breaths, held them in for a while, and exhaled loudly. After exhalation, I stayed in a not-breathing position for long seconds that felt like minutes but when I came up with the idea of counting the seconds by tapping my finger against the mattress, I counted no more than 30 seconds. And for some reason, I believed that I was underwater for 30 seconds without oxygen. Then I realized that was because I was a whale. ("Am I really a whale??? Wow!") I started to move my feet. Rubbed them to one another to check if I can feel them now and moved them occasionally up and down. My feet were my tail.
I was a whale mama and I had a baby. My neck pillow symbolized my baby that was lying by my side and I remember I kept touching it with my hand and looked behind a few times to check if it was still there. "Mothers are protective and affectionate towards their calves, swimming close and frequently touching them with their flippers."
Then in one moment when the Irish guy was lying next to me (he moved around a lot and left his mattress several times during the night), I felt like we were a family: mama whale, daddy whale, and the baby whale. Knowing that family and community are important to whales, I am not surprised by this.
There's not much about the whale story that felt significant to me regarding my questions. The energies were cross-passing between the whale, the spider, the Indian woman, and my mum. The breathing felt to be the strongest experience here. My chest stayed flat, and all the air went down to my abdomen opening and closing my diaphragm widely. I have not ever breathed like this in my human life (not that I remember of) and I developed gentle pain in my diaphragm the next day. Surprisingly, my throat didn't hurt, though. As a whale, I was still coughing but it was a drier, less frequent sort of cough. I believed I would have a major sore throat after all the coughing but my throat did not hurt at all the following day. This made me think I hallucinated all the coughing but then I remembered that the Irish guy said to me that he felt the pain that I was going through at the time and even put his hand on my back but I didn't acknowledge him. I wanted this experience just for myself. I loved being a whale mama and I didn't want him to take this experience away from me. In fact, I turned to my side from the tummy lying position to show my back toward him. Some kind of a feminine fighter rose within me, rejecting the man and not letting him in - it was about me, it's mine, and I am not sharing it! - and I felt like I was crying not just the women's tears in my family but all the women's tears in the world. My eyes were wet, my nose was running and I still had too much saliva in my mouth that I was spitting out. I kept asking where all this water was coming from and why I was having so much water in my body. I felt as if I had too much water in my organs and cells. I don't know if it was because I lived underwater as a whale or because of something else that I didn't understand.
When I looked at the big pile of tissue I left at the end of my mattress, I felt miserable and a voice within me told me "Enough!". I knew I had to choose whether I let myself be beaten up by the pain or fly away from it. Then my hand pushed the bag of wet tissues away and I said "I am done with crying."
At some point, I moved the neck pillow to the back of the mattress, which I associated with my whale baby grew up and left.
Whale spirit animal/ Whale symbolism (spiritanimal.info)
The whale spirit animal is the earth’s record keeper for all time. As a totem, the whale teaches you about listening to your inner voice, understanding the impact your emotions have on your everyday life, and following your own truth.
The whale is commonly associated with emotion, inner truth, and creativity. Additional meanings for this totem:
Wisdom holder
Physical and emotional healing
Keeper of history
Importance of family and community
Emotional rebirth
Peaceful strength
Communication
I finished the first Ayahuasca night lying on my back peacefully, one-quarter turn away from the masculine = the Irish guy. My breathing normalized and the feelings came back to my body. I knew it was a sign that the medicine was wearing off.
I can't say I slept well. I managed to doze off for only a short period of time and then I just listened to the sound of the rain. The next morning we started the Kambo sessions. "Kambo is a miracle vaccine. Not only does it heal diseases, but also the sweat of the phosphorescent green frog raises your energy level by doing a deep cleaning of your astral and physical body and also clears your paths. It helps you change the way you see life.” Because I felt my body was retaining water I just could not make myself drink 2 litres of water, which was needed before the treatment, so I didn't do Kambo, in the end. And just now, that I am writing these lines I understand why I felt there was too much water in my body! My period was due that weekend and I had premenstrual water retention.
These are my neck pillow and my other travel/ cuddle buddy, a little monster. I always travel with both but only brought the neck pillow with me to the Ayahuasca event. Both of them have sentimental value to me and just now I realize why. They represent the whale and the spider.
The second night I watched people taking Bufo and witnessed their extraordinary reactions. Every single one of them had a unique reaction but they all landed in love and peace after the session. Then we all warmed up with chants, breathing, and body stretching again, during which one of the cats (there were 4 shy cats around the finca) pranced in, walked around the room, and chose my mattress to take a rest on. It rubbed its soft, furry body against my leg and then lay down at my feet for a while then walked out.
We all took Ayahuasca after midnight which was quite late for me. I had already started to feel sleepy. I didn't drink up all the medicine. I left a tablespoon amount in the cup. My first night was so intense that I thought I would do better with less on the second night. Eventually, my experience was just as intense except for losing the feeling in my legs and body, and I was happy that I didn't experience that I died again.
This journey was about my evolution as a human in this life. It began with me being born and I went through stages of my childhood where lessons needed to be learnt until I reached who I am now.
As a baby, I felt naked and I was shivering with cold. I asked "Where's my mum?" when a sweet, motherly voice inside of me told me that I'm never alone, she's always there, she has always been there. I understood this was my higher self. As I struggled with breathing evenly and kind of had that whale breathing again, I asked why I can't breathe and the sweet, motherly voice told me that I was not a whale anymore and I had to learn to breathe like a human. She said I didn't have to take deep long breaths anymore. "Humans take shorter breaths more frequently", and she encouraged me to try it. This is when I realized that if I wanted to, I could control my breathing. But every time I was swept by the internal experience I went back to the long loud whale-like breathing. As I kept trying to breathe like "a human" during the night, eventually my breathing pattern changed over the hours but I can tell that as a baby I really struggled with breathing. I even moved myself into positions that aided me to breathe easier, which I was probably doing as a child. I also felt tightness around my neck which made me think that the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck.
I kept feeling cold and I really struggled to ask for an extra blanket. It did not come naturally to me to ask for help. I just cried silently. Then my higher self told me that I can use words now and I can help my inner child. I can ask for a blanket. It was a BIG lesson for me to learn: ask for help. Eventually, I rose up from my mattress and I asked the leader of the group if he had an extra throw somewhere. Immediately 3 people turned up with suggestions: (1) "I can close the door!", (2) "I can go out to the shed to see if there are extra blankets left", (3) "We can move your mattress to the middle of the room". Eventually, one of the Ayahuasca helpers, a girl, came to me and laid a shamanic throw on top of my sleeping bag that warmed me up instantly and I started to be in a much better place now that I felt warm and safe. The lesson was learnt and I could move to the next important stage: the connection with my father. My father was represented by the Irish guy = the masculine, who was holding my hand.
We talked and got closer to each other over the hours in the afternoon. I slowly started to let him in. "I am ready for you now." Holding hands and being in his arms felt very safe and natural. There he was, a man I barely knew yet knew everything about him and he knew everything about me. He even had a scar on the same finger as I did. Mine is a glass cut, his is a dog bite. Then I suddenly got the feeling that I was scared of dogs because he was bitten which explained why I didn't like dogs. Long story short, our souls recognized each other and we bonded on a deeper level. I helped him heal his feminine side and he helped me heal my masculine. He could press points on my palm that brought emotions out from within me and I could release the pain with tears. In return, I helped him with answers regarding his path and questions. By now I was channeling an Indian goddess who told me she was here to guide me through this journey. The Indian woman that turned up on the first night was actually this goddess. She arranged my fingers into mudras and directed my hand onto parts of my body that calmed me when the emotional experience was too overwhelming for me. The breathing technique learned from the whale also helped me to digest/ heal the series of experiences. I received a lot of downloads regarding my childhood and why my father was not there. As Myles (the Irish guy) and I connected through telepathy, feelings, and touch I felt like he was channeling my father's energy and I could re-connect with my father through him. My mother, however, was in my way. When I asked my dad how to get mum out of the way, he replied he didn't know. Then after a while, I got the message that we had to team up and just be love. Then I held on to Myles hands stronger and felt a rush of warmth and love entering my chest (the heart chakra) and soon after that I intuitively connected my hands into the position you can see in the picture below and placed them under my forehead. I interpreted it as my feminine and my masculine came into balance.
Many little things and cute moments happened between Myles and me. During the second night, we were constantly there for each other to help and nurture our connection.
As I kept a small notebook and pen next to me on the mattress to write down things that I felt compelled to write during Ayahuasca, I often scribbled in the semi-dark room. And at one moment I screamed inside of me, when it dawned on me, that I am a writer! The Indian Goddess and I got into a conversation about why the book I wrote was important, which I had known by the way, but the confirmation was very encouraging. I asked her what the next step would be to become published. I asked her about the literary agent but she was not there to this question. Then I looked around the room and I saw our leader leaning against the wall wrapped in his throw that reminded me of him being a moth. I knew that moths are guidance in the dark. They can see when I can't. So I asked him telepathically and he told me that "the man knows the answer". What man? I wondered. Then I realized that Myles is the man (=the masculine)! I didn't know how to address the question to him as he knew nothing about the book I wrote and then I heard my higher self saying "use the intelligence of the spider". So I asked Myles "detective" questions and considered his answers to be clues. We got into a fun interaction during which I jotted down keywords and performed calculations with numbers. The experience was extraordinary! I received the name of the literary agency I should contact and a week after Ayahuasca when I actually googled the name I was stunned! I felt compelled to add up the numbers of the word count in the manuscript (total words 98991) which came out to be 9+8+9+9+1=36, 3+6=9 (36/9) which are my life purpose numbers. Then out of curiosity, I added up the numbers of the date when I emailed my proposal to the agency, which was 9, too. Double 9! I took it as a positive sign.
Myles called us "divine mirrors". Our connection was unearthly. He helped me with my issues and then I helped him back with his issues (third eye and root chakra). I even sent him my Indian goddess to guide him down his own path. So many things happened that would blow your mind to hear but it's hard to write about the whole experience. So I am going to stop here. Myles and I fell asleep in each other's arms and he even hold on to my neck pillow that I interpreted as a glimpse of the future: him, me, and a baby...or the past whale family...or he was just embracing my inner child? He showed me how I always wanted to be loved. Unconditionally. The feeling of being in his arms loved and protected brought me so much healing, warmth, and confidence. He was home.
Home is a feeling. Home is a frequency.
Some quotes I jotted down during Ayahuasca:
The first line was: Fuerteventura north, that's where the food is (I was a whale here, lol)
The last line was: Mum will die when I turn 45. She'll be out of the way.
In between:
I see an elephant Indian-style decorated. It's a celebration. Calm. Dignity. Pride.
spiders - 8 eyes - see the details
I need to dry in the sun because there's so much water in my body.
- I am an Indian Goddess. I am here to guide you...
- Guide me where? What's the destination?
- Destination: heart. Just be you.
Dad, help me get mum out of the way so that I can breathe.
I am surrounded by worms. The school director is a worm (worm = has no spine, purposeless).
Every exhalation of mine is a falling star. And falling stars bring luck/ make wishes come true
the sun is my mum
Before I went to the retreat I also wrote down what I wanted to focus on/ what I was looking for answers to. Preparing yourself can help you to open up, stay focused or even interpret messages. It's also useful to talk to other people at the retreat or to the leader of the group to share your experience and allow others to help you interpret your visual/symbolic experience.
After the retreat
My interpretation of the spider experience
Why am I afraid of spiders if I am the spider? That would mean that I am afraid of myself. Am I afraid of my own intelligence and power? Because on the second night I received the message to "use the intelligence of the spider" which made me think I do not utilize enough this aspect of my being. I have been feeling for a few years now that I have been below my potential and, for instance, the jobs I do or the people I am surrounded by, are below me (worms) and no matter what I tried, I just couldn't attract people at my level. Meera says planetary shifts can easily be culprits for the misalignment and when she did my Astro chart she discovered that Neptune is in a position where it dissolves the Sun which is my essential being. So I am being dimmed.
She further explained her discovery about the "queen-rivalry" that Neptune to the Sun causes, that the parent of the same sex - in my case the mother - has been jealous of me and my arrival and growing up. During an energy-clearing session, I did last year, the therapist told me that there was a "fanatically jealous" person around me and I associated this person with my mum. The family constellation therapy showed my mum being in my way. Everything is in the subconscious, not in the physical form, that's why it was hard to find the block. Meera says, my mum - mostly unconsciously - feared being replaced by me. She gave the child (me) the subliminal message: if you become queen, I shall kill you. Like Snow White or Cinderella. The girl is not allowed to be what she's meant to be: Queen. The fear is deep to get killed by the mother so it develops an energetic protection - to suppress the hormones even! - in order to survive and keep the mother functioning as a "caretaker". Whenever the astrological aspect appears in the sky again (Sun-Neptune) the issue wants to be recognized and released by the child - to throw off the need for protection and grow into Queen. The unconscious fear though is strong and tries to keep the situation as it was: "safe".
All these messages and connecting the dots have led me to better understand my health issues and to confirm my assumption that the gut - immune system - love is very much connected. As a child, I just wanted to be loved (and my inner child still just wants to be loved) and I am probably struggling to digest the experience that my mum didn't love me.
"Children just want to be loved. We all need a loving mum to develop a healthy immune system and psyche."
Has Ayahuasca healed my spider-fear?
No. I still get chills and shivers when I see one either in a photo or in real life close by. It's a work in progress, I guess.
Okay, so why are women afraid of spiders?
Mostly women or men with higher feminine qualities are afraid of spiders. As spiders represent intelligence, that might mean that women generally are afraid of using their intelligence and the reason for that is that for hundreds of years in the past men made choices over women taking away their opportunities, voices, education, money, and rights that could have enabled them to develop their intelligence and to grow as equal partners to men. In the 1800s a woman was seen merely as a servant to her husband. Women were afraid to speak up because men would use physical force/ violence to shut them up. Consequently, women carry the fear from generation to generation in their genetics. So the unconscious fear of spiders connects individuals to the fear of their power of intelligence. The voices of women are needed now and it is safe to grow into who we were meant to be (at least in western society). Brave souls of emotional intelligence need to come forward to shift the patriarchic society and save the planet from further damage caused by the shadow side of the masculine.
Aftermath
I met an Indian woman wearing a saree in the bathroom at the airport who said "Hola!" to me as if she knew me. I also saw a massive dragonfly tattoo on a woman's leg who was pushing the pram in front of me on the street. Then I kept noticing dragonflies around me in the following days whenever I went for a hike. It was the first time I saw an Indian woman and dragonflies on the Canaries! Dragonflies symbolize changes, transformation, hope, joy, and love. I was also invited to join a WhatsApp group for freedivers. Freediving is something I have been wanting to try since I watched The Big Blue and a couple of youtube videos on freediving competitions. My idea was to start to train myself as I found no freediving communities on La Gomera but then this happened, and now I have training buddies.
I still receive downloads and am sensitive to the connection/ synchronicities that appear in my life two weeks after the retreat. My teeth have become ultra-sensitive to sugar. I can't eat anything that is more artificial than natural. No chocolate, no fruit gummies, no biscuits, no sugary muesli. I tested it! I bought a bunch of different sweets to find out what I can tolerate. My teeth in the lower jaw flared up in excruciating pain when I chewed on most of the sweets. I could tolerate chocolate if I melted it (dipped it in a hot drink) and just sucked it. I didn't notice a problem with honey or fruit.
The other thing I've noticed is that my left index finger has been deformed. Seems like I have developed arthritis in that finger. How is that even possible? I read that arthritis is joint inflammation and it can be caused by any kind of pain that has emotional roots. "It is also not uncommon for people with R.A. to have experienced some sort of emotional trauma, usually before age 5. Traumas that occur when you are young can hinder the development of your immune system and leave you susceptible to infections, such as Epstein-Barr virus, which Medical Medium Anthony William says is an underlying cause of R.A. symptoms." https://www.drnorthrup.com/heal-arthritis-release-fear-anger/ Because I have been living with Epstein-Barr for 2 years now, it makes sense that the first sign of arthritis has turned up. Ayahuasca deeply triggered my emotions. And I actually remember noticing my finger not straight after the retreat but a few days later when the Irish guy "my soulmate" sent me a message, he sounded as if he was back in his mind silencing emotions, and I interpreted his words that he didn't want to nurture the connection between us and I felt the same soul shock I had years ago with my so-called twin flame. I felt betrayed, rejected, and deeply hurt. This soul pain/ trauma must have created arthritis. It was like receiving a sudden dose of love out of nowhere during Ayahuasca followed up with the BIG nothing, which made the whole experience feel like a lie. How can you not want the connection to last? Why do men ignore their feelings? Or why do I (still) attract men who ignore their feelings? Why can't love & joy last in my life? I still don't understand where exactly this issue stems from. I might become crippled by the time I find the answer.
How to be at peace with not being loved and not being wanted? How to turn this to my advantage/ my strength?
My plan is to do another retreat and go for the full experience with Kambo and bufo to find out if I can reach the depth of the triggers and weed them out for good.
On the other hand, I've realized if Myles had triggered my trauma, I must have triggered his. And his trauma may very well be connected to a female figure (mum/ grandma maybe) because I represented the feminine energy. And his turning away from me might be his choice on a subconscious level and not something he's aware of.
"They want to make you happy. If they can't, they retreat, they close up, they walk away. They want to be enough for you but they can't, so they feel should hide and fix themselves."
Men often look for solutions with the head, instead of the heart.
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Details of the Ayahuasca retreat
Tenerife, Canary Islands
Web page: http://encuentrochamanico.es/ayahuasca/
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If you have any questions, you can always write to me and I will respond with enthusiasm.
Until next time ♡