...and the challenges of the Divine Feminine.
My Twin Flame journey, act two.
I've been having a very challenging time since I left the islands. If I think about it deeper, I've been having a very challenging time since my first Ayahuasca ceremony. Or even earlier, since I entered adulthood or in fact since I was born. But it hasn't until now that I discovered that I am running the same cycles of money matters. I am in survival mode. Stability has never been long-lasting but somehow I never thought about it as a disadvantage until now. The closer I get to achieving safety and stability, let that be friendships, love interests, financial goals, or creative projects, the further they fall away from me to reach them. It's like I am not allowed. There seems to be a higher power that just does not let me have any of the things that would make me feel worthy or successful.
When I did family constellations, both times I was trying to explain this to the therapist who grasped some of it and we worked on this issue that is more likely tied to the family, especially to the matrilineality (female lineage in the family), all of whom lived in co-dependency and were a servant to their husbands and children. Stability was connected to unhappiness. So I may have to work extra hard or do more healing if I want to break the chain of family karma.
Family karma is the collective karma of ancestors and forefathers that affects younger generations. When you are born into a family, you inherit or pick up the energetic patterns of the family.
Ayahuasca reactivated my connection with the divine feminine energy and ruffled my sensitivity and vulnerability as a woman. Although I don't feel vulnerable, my kindness and generosity make others think that I am, and they try to take advantage of me or knock me out of my strength if their ego feels threatened by my authenticity. They don't know that vulnerability is MY strength, so they are in for a surprise when their plans backfire. In real life, this looks like me speaking up, and confronting people. The ego doesn't hear or see the heart. Every time I express myself truthfully in front of self-absorbed & disconnected people (often employers), I trigger something in them that either want to make them get rid of me or I choose to move away.
In Andorra, where I ended up working with affluent families children, and got depleted by God-fearing people, I continued to experience the tower moments I had been struck since September. The position I originally applied for was advertised with a 2-year contract but I had a feeling that I was not going to be there long. I couldn't explain exactly why but something was off with the family. The longer I stayed there, the more I tried to talk myself out of this feeling because I really wanted to save up some money but my intuition just grew stronger about the mystery.
At first, I thought that my TF connection would soon drive me somewhere else because I was very strongly bound to the energies of the special person who I met on the islands at the end of July. The soul connection is undeniably strong between us despite the physical separation. He or his higher self (consciously or unconsciously) has turned up in front of my third eye, in my dreams, and in my body several times. I don't actually see him, but I am able to feel his energy around me and within me.
It happened once that I saw with his eyes. Just a glimpse. I saw the girl he was having sex with. That hurt my soul. I didn't understand why I had to see that. Honestly, why? And how was it possible at all?? My psychic abilities are not super strong by the way but I think Ayahuasca brought me closer to this ability. I still gather more information from the vibration that comes to me in a form of feeling rather than seeing with my third eye. But anyway, I thought the only possible way for me to see what he was seeing in the moment, was because he could have been thinking of me while he was doing it. And he must have been thinking of me strongly otherwise I don't think he could have been able to connect with me.
And I have had another vision with him very recently in which he called me. Then I heard "I'm coming for you" and then hours later when I was preparing breakfast I randomly started to sing Whitney Houston's 'Run to you' ("I wanna run to you...but if I run to you tell me, will you stay or will you run away?"...). I was very nervous all day before I had this vision. I had no reason to be nervous, I was just at home. So maybe it was my counterpart who was nervous because he wanted to call me or is planning to reach out to me but the hasn't done it yet.
Apparently what you are manifesting is manifesting you too. And in order to receive your manifestation, first you have to clear out everything within you that stands in the way of it. It's like that Rumi quote: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
If you want abundance (abundance can be: love, money, time, etc.) first you will have to make space for it. So you have to release the old, and just then the new can enter. Also, the karmic situationship and the divine connection cannot exist together. It's either or.
I have experienced before that the Twin Flame connection is such a force that you can't hide from it. The counterparts are energetically bound. Whatever has to happen, will happen. We have no control over it. Whatever I go through internally (emotionally), my counterpart goes through with it externally and vice versa. I am emotionally stable and he is emotionally unstable, and I am financially unstable, and he is financially stable. We are yin and yang. I know it sounds crazy but ...when I met him I felt that he called me. He manifested me. And I also felt that he chose me to be his guide. I talk about this in my TF video here
Anyway, getting back to the family where I started to work in December... my job ended unexpectedly due to the family's change of plans and sudden travel arrangements. I was given three days to prepare to leave as they were about to leave abruptly too. They didn't realise that their thoughtless action resulted in me losing my job and my home at once. They offered me a flight ticket anywhere in the world where I could have flown from there and all I could think about was how in the world I would find another job in just 3 days. They didn't care what would happen to me. They thought that they would just return me home (where is home?) as if I was an object ordered on Amazon. After they dropped the bomb on me, I was expected to continue to work like it was no big deal. Eventually, I spoke up about how their action affected my life and expressed candidly how it made me feel. The children's mum went from arrogant & reckless to humble and apologetic. It was a beautiful transformation to witness how an emotionally disconnected woman started to feel responsible for me (her employee), who brought so much love and happy times into her children's lives. We came to an agreement about all of us staying a week longer in the house to give me a little more time to come up with a plan about where to go next and in the end, we parted with a hug.
I admit, I was playing with the idea of travelling to somewhere new, but I didn't have enough savings and I really just wanted a reliable job and some structure in my life. I am a bit exhausted from travelling around and being a nomad who lives on a budget.
I think speaking up, expressing myself authentically, and staying in my integrity was the mission here for me to accomplish and also it could be for the feminine collective as well. Mastering self-love. It was either something from my past to clear out, or something for the bourgeois fakes to learn from me. The situation also felt like being designed for my divine counterpart (the divine masculine) to learn through me. In this situation, I encouraged my divine masculine to do the same in his karmic situation. I mean on a soul level. It's about soul growth. He did not know anything about what was happening to me in 3D. He could have picked up on my vibration though, and an ending could have happened in his life too. In fact, it could have happened in his life first and that could have affected the flow of my life.
A few days later, I started to work with another family. The cleaning lady called me just a day before I was meant to fly to Tenerife if I was still in the country because one of her clients got bedridden with a knee infection and they wanted somebody who could live in and help with the children for 2 months. I said yes because I loved the idea of staying in the country a little bit longer to be able to explore it and also because I wanted to save up more money. However, this position ended after 4 days with nearly the same intention as the previous one. What are the odds?? Anyway, I was promised to be paid for that week I spent there but I didn't receive a penny. I am afraid the cleaning lady, who was responsible for paying me, didn't take my confrontation well about her lack of transparency and she either thought she would just punish me by not transferring me the wage or disappeared with embarrassment. Usually immature and/or insecure people react this way. People who can't handle the truth about themselves. They feel hurt by my honesty or embarrassed by the fact that they can't control me. Instead of growing with the truth they want to diminish me. They think if I disappear, their feelings will disappear too, but that is just another lie they're telling themselves.
Affirmation
NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER
by Chan, YouTube: Another Virgo Channel
Andorra is full of stunning mountainside hiking paths (camis), ski resorts, and sunshine. My 30-min walk in town ended up being a 5-hour long hike in the forest.
I just couldn't stop my legs. I had a lot of curiosity in me to find out where that path, which I accidentally discovered by the river, would lead me. So I kept walking further and further away from the car-run roads and, higher and higher up on the sun-kissed mountain, through a half-snowy and half-green forest until I reached a clearing with an empty stable. Cows. They were not here but their dung was everywhere around the cow barn in front of which I found a rock pile, climbed on it, and took a rest. I soaked up a lot of sun and bathed in the peace that was brought to me by birds singing and the beauty of nature around me. Mere stress relief. In this environment, I could finally release the worries that had started to live rent-free inside of me.
When I arrived at the airport in Barcelona I felt liberated. The blood started to flow in my veins and my muscles got loose. I felt like I was released from a pressure cooker. I remember I was sitting at a desk over some food and a cup of coffee for two hours and was just feeling the sensations in my body. I was transforming. In Andorra, my fingers turned painfully dry giving them the look of the hands of a 90-year-old. Apparently having dry skin is common in the country due to the high level of calcium in the water that runs from the taps and because the air is very dry. By sitting at the airport waiting for my flight, my hands rapidly transformed back to normal. I couldn't believe my eyes! The dryness didn't disappear completely but got visibly reduced.
My value was not appreciated. I felt disposed of, betrayed, humiliated, and lied to. And if I felt these things, the divine masculine must have felt the same way in his life as well (karmic situationship). It could be that the universe took me out of this environment because these people didn't see my value. "If you're a gem, you can not be treated like an ordinary stone." But why is it that the universe takes away stuff from us with the speed of a snap of the fingers but doesn't replace it with a new opportunity immediately? I am sorry, but something is not fair about how the universe does business.
Now thinking back on this phase of my life (is it over yet? I wonder..) and on what I needed to learn from these people, or teach them made me understand that in order to allow my manifestation to come in, blocks need to be cleared out from my vibration to make place for the new to enter. Apparently, the universe rewards you for your efforts (being authentic, staying in your integrity, speaking your truth) and compensates you for your loss (loss of money, job, friendship, etc.). That's called Dharma, I think.
"Karma is your desires that you try to fulfill now in this life. Dharma is the result of your karma that is playing out now."
Dharmachakra = Wheel of dharma
"This "turning of the wheel" signifies a great and revolutionary change with universal consequences, brought about by an exceptional human being."
Just now I understood that the wheel I saw turning during my second Ayahuasca ceremony and that I connected to the Wheel of Fortune was actually the Wheel of dharma! But because I was not familiar with the symbol I misinterpreted it.
"Dharma” is a Sanskrit word that translates literally to “right direction,” “rightful duty,” or “righteous living.” But the concept of dharma has a far deeper meaning than its direct translation. Essentially, your dharma means your life purpose. Your dharma is your true calling – what you were put here to do." youaligned.com
This is what I was shown during Ayahuasca: the wheel of dharma turning and next to it was a red heart (picture on the right). So it's possible that I completely misunderstood the message and instead of receiving love, I was just shown my life purpose was love. During the first Ayahuasca, I received a similar message when the Indian goddess told me to "just be love". But isn't it the same purpose for everyone: be love? That's where everybody should be guided, towards their heart. All actions, work, hobbies, relationships, etc. should be your heart's choice. That's the underlying force for everything we do and create. A universal message.
Until next time ♡