...and the challenges of the Divine Feminine.
I've been going through a very challenging time since I left the islands. In fact, if I think about it more deeply, I’ve been facing challenges since my first Ayahuasca ceremony—or perhaps even earlier, when I entered adulthood, or maybe even since I was born. However, it’s only now that I’ve realized I’ve been running the same cycles, especially when it comes to money matters. I am stuck in survival mode. Stability has never been long-lasting for me, but I never saw it as a disadvantage until now.
The closer I get to achieving safety and stability—whether in friendships, love, financial goals, or creative projects—the further these things seem to slip away from my grasp. It feels like I’m not allowed to have them. It’s as if there’s a higher power that won’t let me achieve the things that would make me feel worthy or successful.
When I participated in family constellations therapy, I tried to explain this pattern to the therapist. Both times, they seemed to grasp some of the issue, and we worked on it. The root cause appears to be tied to my family, particularly the maternal side (the female lineage). Many women in my family lived in co-dependency, serving their husbands and children. Stability for them was often associated with unhappiness. Women have been silenced—not just in my family, but on a much larger scale in our patriarchal society.
Breaking this cycle and healing the family karma seems to require extra effort and deeper work on my part. If I truly want to break free, I must brutally face this head-on, and create a different path for myself.
Family karma is the collective karma of ancestors and forefathers that affects younger generations. When you are born into a family, you inherit or pick up the energetic patterns of the family.
Ayahuasca reawakened my connection to the divine feminine energy and heightened my sensitivity and vulnerability as a woman. Although I don’t feel vulnerable, my kindness and generosity often make others perceive me as such. This sometimes leads them to try to take advantage of me or diminish my strength when their ego feels threatened by my authenticity. What they don’t realize is that vulnerability is my strength, and they’re often surprised when their plans backfire.
In practice, this looks like me speaking up and confronting people. The ego doesn’t hear or see the heart. Each time I express myself truthfully in the presence of self-absorbed or disconnected people—often employers—I seem to trigger something in them. This either prompts them to push me away or leads me to choose to walk away on my own terms.
In Andorra, where I ended up working with children, I found myself drained by affluent families and God-fearing people around me. I continued to experience "tower moments" that had been striking me since September. The position I initially applied for was advertised as a two-year contract, but deep down, I had a feeling I wouldn’t stay long. I couldn’t pinpoint why, but something about the family felt off. The longer I stayed, the more I tried to convince myself otherwise because I really wanted to save money. Yet, my intuition only grew stronger, hinting at an underlying mystery.
At first, I thought my Twin Flame (TF) connection might soon pull me elsewhere. I felt deeply tied to the energy of this special person I met on the islands at the end of July. The soul connection between us is undeniably strong, despite our physical separation. Whether consciously or unconsciously, he—or perhaps his higher self—has shown up in front of my third eye, in my dreams, and even within my body on several occasions. I don’t actually "see" him, but I can sense his energy around and within me.
There was one particular moment when I felt as though I saw through his eyes. Just for an instant, I glimpsed the girl he was having sex with. That vision hurt my soul deeply. I couldn’t understand why I had to see it. Honestly, why? And how was it even possible? My psychic abilities are not exceptionally strong, but I think Ayahuasca may have amplified them. I still gather most of my insights through feelings rather than visuals from my third eye. Even so, the only explanation I could fathom for that experience was that he must have been thinking about me in that moment—thinking about me intensely enough to create a connection.
Recently, I had another vision involving him. In it, he called out to me, and I distinctly heard the words, “I’m coming for you.” Hours later, as I prepared breakfast, I spontaneously started singing Whitney Houston’s Run to You—specifically the lines, “I wanna run to you...but if I run to you, tell me, will you stay or will you run away?”
That entire day, I felt unusually nervous, though I had no real reason to be—I was just at home. Maybe it wasn’t my anxiety but his, perhaps tied to his desire to reach out. If he’s planning to contact me, it seems like he hasn’t gathered the courage yet.
Apparently what you are manifesting is manifesting you too. And in order to receive your manifestation, first you have to clear out everything within you that stands in the way of it. It's like that Rumi quote: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
If you want abundance—whether it’s love, money, time, or anything else—you first need to make space for it. This means releasing the old to allow the new to enter. It’s important to note that karmic situationships and divine connections cannot coexist. It’s one or the other.
I’ve learned from experience that the Twin Flame connection is an unstoppable force—you can’t escape it. The counterparts are energetically bound, and whatever is meant to happen will unfold, whether we try to control it or not. There’s a unique dynamic in this connection: what I experience internally, my counterpart experiences externally, and vice versa. For example, I’m emotionally stable, and he is emotionally unstable. On the other hand, I’m financially unstable, and he is financially stable. We are like yin and yang, perfectly balancing each other in opposite ways.
I know it might sound unusual, but when I met him, I felt like he had called me into his life. It was as if he had manifested me. I also sensed that he chose me to be his guide.
Anyway, returning to the family I started working for in December—my job ended unexpectedly due to their sudden change of plans and travel arrangements. I was given just three days to prepare to leave, as they were about to depart abruptly as well. What they didn’t seem to realize was that their thoughtless decision resulted in me losing both my job and my home at the same time.
They offered me a flight ticket to anywhere in the world, but all I could think about was how I would manage to find another job in just three days. It felt like they didn’t care about what would happen to me. They acted as though sending me “home” (but where is home?) would solve everything, treating me like an object they had ordered on Amazon and were now returning.
After delivering the news, they expected me to carry on working as if nothing had happened. Eventually, I spoke up, candidly expressing how their actions had affected my life and how it made me feel. To my surprise, the children’s mother, who had initially been arrogant and dismissive, transformed during our conversation. She went from being reckless and detached to humble and apologetic. It was remarkable to witness an emotionally disconnected woman start to take responsibility for her actions and acknowledge my contributions to her children’s happiness and well-being. We ultimately agreed to extend our stay in the house by another week, giving me more time to plan my next steps. When it was time to part ways, we ended on a good note, even sharing a hug.
I admit, I had been toying with the idea of traveling somewhere new, but my limited savings and desire for a reliable job and structure in my life held me back. Honestly, I’m a bit worn out from constantly traveling and living as a nomad on a tight budget.
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I believe that speaking up, expressing myself authentically, and staying true to my integrity was my mission in this situation. It could also reflect a broader lesson for the feminine collective: mastering self-love. Perhaps this was something from my past that needed to be cleared out, or it was an opportunity for the bourgeois “fakes” to learn from me. On another level, it felt like a scenario designed for my divine counterpart, the divine masculine, to grow through my experience.
On a soul level, I feel like I encouraged my divine masculine to confront his karmic situation, much like I was doing. This journey is about soul growth. Although he wasn’t aware of my circumstances in the 3D, he may have picked up on my vibration. It’s possible that an ending occurred in his life, and that shift may have influenced the flow of events in mine. In fact, his transformation could have happened first, creating a ripple effect that shaped my experiences.
A few days later, I started working with another family. Interestingly, the opportunity came unexpectedly—after I broke down in my room from despair, voicing "I need help." into the air (the universe), the cleaning lady I knew called me, asking if I was still in the country. One of her clients had become bedridden with a knee infection, and they needed someone to live in and help care for their children for two months. This position as well, ended abruptly with no payment or other form of compensation for my efforts. Adding to the drama, my agency couldn't help me find another family or be able to do anything with the situation due to their contract with the families. So I decided to stop being a travel nanny and cease my relationship with the unhelpful nanny agency.
Affirmation
NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER
by Chan, YouTube: Another Virgo Channel
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Andorra is full of stunning mountainside hiking paths (camis), ski resorts, and sunshine. My 30-min walk in town ended up being a 5-hour long hike in the forest.
I just couldn’t stop my legs. Curiosity fueled me as I wandered to find out where the path I had accidentally discovered by the river would lead. I kept walking, further and further away from the car-lined roads, climbing higher and higher up the sun-kissed mountain. The trail wound through a forest that was half-covered in snow and half-green with life, until eventually, I reached a clearing with an empty stable.
Cows. They weren’t here, but evidence of their presence was everywhere—dung scattered around the barnyard. In front of the barn, I spotted a pile of rocks, climbed up, and took a well-deserved rest. There, I soaked up the warm sun, letting its rays touch my skin, and bathed in the tranquility of birdsong and the untouched beauty of nature surrounding me. It was pure stress relief. In that peaceful environment, I finally released the worries that had been living rent-free in my mind, allowing myself to simply be.
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When I arrived at the airport in Barcelona, I felt liberated. Blood started flowing freely through my veins, and my muscles relaxed. It was as if I had been released from a pressure cooker. I remember sitting at a table with some food and a cup of tea for two hours, simply feeling the sensations in my body. It was a moment of transformation. In Andorra, my fingers had become painfully dry, resembling the hands of a 90-year-old. I learned that this was a common issue in the country, caused by the high calcium content in the tap water and the extremely dry air. Yet, as I sat there at the airport, waiting for my flight, I noticed my hands rapidly transforming back to normal. I could hardly believe my eyes! While the dryness didn’t disappear entirely, it visibly reduced, leaving me amazed by the quick change.
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My value was not appreciated. I felt discarded, betrayed, humiliated, and lied to. And if I experienced these feelings, it’s likely that the divine masculine was facing similar emotions in his own life (karmic situationship). Perhaps the universe removed me from this environment because these people failed to recognize my worth. After all, "If you’re a gem, you cannot be treated like an ordinary stone." But why is it that the universe takes things away from us with the speed of a snap but doesn’t immediately replace them with new opportunities? I’m sorry, but there’s something unfair about how the universe seems to operate.
Looking back on this phase of my life (is it over yet? I wonder...) and reflecting on what I was meant to learn from these people—or perhaps teach them—I’ve come to realize that in order to allow new manifestations to enter, blocks must first be cleared from my vibration. Space needs to be made for the new.
Apparently, the universe rewards you for your efforts—being authentic, staying true to your integrity, and speaking your truth—and compensates for your losses, whether those are financial, professional, or personal. I think this is what’s known as Dharma.
"Karma is your desires that you try to fulfill now in this life. Dharma is the result of your karma that is playing out now."
Dharmachakra = Wheel of dharma
"This "turning of the wheel" signifies a great and revolutionary change with universal consequences, brought about by an exceptional human being."
I just realized that the wheel I saw turning during my second Ayahuasca ceremony, which I initially connected to the Wheel of Fortune, was actually the Wheel of Dharma! At the time, I misinterpreted it because I wasn’t familiar with the symbol.
"Dharma” is a Sanskrit word that translates literally to “right direction,” “rightful duty,” or “righteous living.” But the concept of dharma has a far deeper meaning than its direct translation. Essentially, your dharma means your life purpose. Your dharma is your true calling – what you were put here to do." youaligned.com
During my Ayahuasca journey, I was shown the Wheel of Dharma turning, and next to it, a red heart (the picture on the right). Looking back, it’s possible I completely misunderstood the message. Instead of being told I was about to receive love, I may have been shown that my life purpose is love.
A similar message came to me during my first Ayahuasca ceremony, when the Indian goddess told me to "just be love." But isn’t that everyone’s purpose? To be love? That’s where we are all meant to be guided—toward our hearts. All our actions, work, hobbies, relationships—everything we do and create—should come from the heart. It’s the underlying force behind everything. A truly universal message.
Until next time ♡
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