Ego is me. Soul is we.
Long time I have been wanting to write the follow-up post but I have turned fully focused on my studies and have no brain capacity to write... or I am just looking for excuses. I crave time away from the screen of my laptop - as I study online I spend a lot of time sitting in front of it which, I admit, I don't favour. I prefer less time in front of my computer and more time out in nature moving my body and connect with people and animals where ever is possible. I also feel a lack of inspiration to write. The winter is hard on me. I am a summer girl ☀️and the dark, cold winter in Hungary has knocked me out. I am one of those zombies who are just a pale confused thing (am I dead or alive?) with a clouded mind. Not dangerous, just slow. I am not even hungry in Hungary. I guess my energy level has dropped too. By now I have completely lost my tan and faded into one with the old white wall. Feels like my heart stopped. But it hasn't, of course. I however have developed a rigid tightness feeling in my neck and a tangible small lump on the right side (masculine side) of my neck. The tightness started around mid- to end of October and it is somewhat worse by now. There are several reasons I think I could have developed the symptoms:
1. one of the yoga poses I regularly practice put a strain on my neck like the unsupported candle pose with stretched arms on the floor and the headstand
2. my sudden new sitting posture - as I moved and adapted to a new living environment and study habits at the desk
3. tension and nervousness for public speaking kept me uneasy for a couple of weeks leading up to the event in November when I participated in a travel event where I talked about my Canary Islands journey
4. maybe a bacterial infection from a previous cold that didn't clear out properly from my system
5. it could be the dusty and dry air being stirred up by the heater inside my room that usually dries my mouth, my skin and messes up my health a bit
6. it can be my body's way to signal that I have to speak/ share what's within me
7. maybe my twin has been wanting to communicate with me and I've picked up on his fear that manifested in my body - despite I feel I am over us "twin flame experts" say that the connection will never be over so we can continue to feel each other's energy in the physical form. I have listened to many tarot readers on youtube since September and most of them talk about someone in my life who wants to reach out to apologise but fear is holding them back etc. It must be my twin and it's been months for the same energy showing up repeatedly. I think it was the same energy pattern at this time last year. Anyway, I observed my feelings in that regard and I say that I still want to experience that soul nourishing, belonging, home feeling, supportive unconditional love and I don't see it would happen with him. I don't see him in my life. That's good news! It means I have graduated in emotionally unavailable wounded men and I am cool to move on to let someone else in. I did actually meet someone new but it is too early to say if we are heading in the same direction.
I am going to have my neck checked anyway. I worry now that I googled my symptoms and of course cancer popped up in the screen. Although, I am hoping that some massage would be enough to release my stubborn condition. As soon as I finish my last assignment, (yes, I am nearing the end of my exams!) I'll reward myself with a spa ticket and a deep tissue massage. That is the only way I get human touch in the lack of loving people around me. Human touch is important for survival. How sad that it is not a natural part of my life but I have to pay for it. Animals can help too by the way. Animals have the purest vibration because they lack egos, that's why they are healers. I wish I had cats! I love them around me!
Somebody posted this EGO VS SOUL image on instagram that I saved to be able to share it with you. Beautifully written lines. I don't find the creator of the image so in case, it's your work, please contact me and I tag you.
How can we avoid being in contact with ego-centric people?
I don't think it is possible to lock them out of our lives completely. If you are a growing soul (and all of us are supposed to be), you will be in contact with them at times to learn lessons through them. And if you are a lightworker, you are kept being pushed in front of them to teach them lessons by who you are. As we have the freedom of choice we can choose our actions and reactions to everything and everyone around us. The lessons we are called to give or take in certain situations are our choice to take or leave. These lessons are never our responsibility to make them be followed. We only give choices and continue to walk our path with or without them on it. These lessons are also great to learn to let go of control. We can not control another person. We have to trust that everybody tries their best. The rest is not our business.
Some people may just need inspiration/ answers, some people need lessons. I believe you are ready to learn a lesson, or in other words: you are ready to grow when the opportunity is presented in your life. You may not notice these opportunities, you fear to change or what's worse you go back to your known comfortable way of dealing with things and with that refuse to grow. Your ego shut down your soul and your soul development is stuck.
Not everybody wants to grow and we have to accept that.
I analysed the conclusion of the happenings at the Danish family where I worked over the summer, asking myself "What could I have done better?" and then I just dropped the question when I found the "EGO vs SOUL" image. The answer was NOTHING. It's a typical trained behaviour of women to swallow and analyse to blame ourselves when we get disrespected or hurt by men. NO NO NO NO!
Soon after I arrived in Budapest I started to work for a foreign family to look after their toddler. My main contact was the child's mum as dad was working very long hours and I didn't see him around. She didn't like my salary expectation, she expected to pay less. First, they hired somebody else whose hourly rate was lower but then they called me and negotiated my rates because they couldn't make it work with the other person. Every week I got paid less than what we agreed on which I pointed out gently and with the intention to believe it happened to an unintentional "miscalculation". I didn't like that the child's mum never tidied after herself in the kitchen and I often had no clean pans to use for cooking. The floor and the feeding chair were messy with food bits and liquid around and she found it natural to leave it for me to deal with. Nannies are not hired to clean after the parents. That's why they have cleaners. I ideally want to leave the place in the condition I find it when I arrive. Thus I feel equal. I am only responsible to tidy after myself and after the child during my care. I find it disrespectful when parents dump the dirty job at me. I understand this is their home but their home is my work environment. It can be balanced. I am sure they wouldn't want to arrive at work and start with cleaning their desks after their co-workers.
Anyway, the last drop for me was when the child's mum pulled out my wage from her pocket and threw the creased notes on the table instead of giving it to my hand (gratefully for my work) perhaps counting it together to avoid further "miscalculation". Would it be so much to ask? Treat me the way you want to be treated. So I quit without guilt after 4 weeks.
What is it? Lack of maturity? Wild ego? Wounded grown-ups practicing control and/or authority instead of practicing love/ compassion?
Why are they ungrateful? I met 5 families (different nationalities) in Budapest who live at top locations in the city some for free because the company pays for their flat, car, parking place; and some can simply afford the big refurbished house on the green hills of Buda with fingerprint entry, 2 cars and floor heating. Their children attend private international schools. 3 out of the 5 families I met would pay me from their foreign salaries which are at least twice as higher than the Hungarian rates. Plus they don't pay taxes, insurance, rent, bills, transportation nada after me so I have to take care of that from the amount they "illegally" pay me. Does it sound right to anyone? What am I missing?
I'm currently re-reading The Purpose of Your Life by Carol Adrienne and I've stopped at this quote: "If we have a desire, let's say, to be a musician, it is the universe's desire to express music through us. It's a thought form that is intended to be fulfilled through us."
I think, what could have happened that time in Autumn was that my desire for what I really wanted to do in Hungary was not in alignment with what I was pushing myself toward to do. So I sat down one day and named my desires. I listed a few things I wanted to get out of my next job and I realized that these things are not necessarily connected to the nanny jobs that were available in Budapest. It worked well in the UK but Hungary is not the UK and I needed to adapt to new social and cultural habits.
According to Emily Carr there are 5 stages of culture shock:
1. Honeymoon stage - This is the period of time when we first arrive in which everything about the new culture is strange and exciting.
2. Rejection stage - We can become very tired and begin to miss our homeland. All the little problems that everybody in life has seem to be much bigger and more disturbing when you face them in a foreign culture.
3. Adjustment stage - This is when you begin to realize that things are not so bad in the host culture.
4. At ease at last - Now you feel quite comfortable in your new surroundings. You can cope with most problems that occur.
5. Reverse culture shock - Surprisingly, this occurs when you go back to your native culture and find that you have changed and that things there have changed while you have been away. Now you feel a little uncomfortable back home.
That's what I've got for now.
Until next time!