In between


It's disturbing to be back in the city after 7 months of adventurous travelling and is inspirational at the same time. I like the cultural, social, and artistic aspects and I like that the services (shopping, commuting) are smooth and fast but the prices are intimidating for my currently thin wallet. Being in the city feels familiar yet foreign as by now I have got used to being on the road and embrace the unknown. So the unknown has become the feeling of the known. And the previously known have become the feeling of the unknown. That's true in most situations when you are away from your routine/ home for a longer period of time - for example when you were in school and had 2 months summer holiday - and with that, you adjust to a new rhythm and maybe a new way of living.

For a few years now I have been inspired to live a simplified lifestyle with feeling large within. By large I mean with a large open satisfied soul, not ego. And I met this line that helped me clarify what I could not explain to myself properly: "There is no better feeling in the world than knowing you helped someone else by sharing your experience with others." hayhouse.com That's what I mean! :)

And there was another quote I've heard (I'm sorry don't remember by whom): "I want to make a living by who I am". I could identify with this feeling as a propeller for a new direction on my life journey and started to take action toward these goals. This is when I started to travel and I am now drawn to live in a camper van, travel more, and work remotely. I would really love to do it with my twin, but psst! He doesn't know it yet.

So city...

I spent 2 weeks in London with the plan to sort my stuff from my friend's loft and meet my twin. The latter didn't happen. However, I am proud of my packing and organizing skills as I managed to reduce my belongings to 4 bags that I shifted to my parents' home in Hungary. At first, it was scary to see how much more stuff I was going to leave behind: a printer, brand new hairdryer, ceramic fan heater, duvets and bedding, 2 big bags of clothes, a real-size mannequin, props for photo/ video shoots (tripod, wigs, drapery, wallpaper, art folders, sketchbooks, etc.), unopened IKEA shelves, shoes, books etc. The stuff I had previously invested in now turned into an extra weight on my shoulders. I had previously left many of my belongings in charity shops yet there were still I lot to deal with. Most of this stuff meant nothing to me anymore. I didn't see their value therefore didn't even bother to try to resell them. I wanted out of the material world ASAP.

And this is where I am now. In Hungary. The country I left 13 years ago. I am temporarily swinging between my parents' and my friends' homes. It is fantastic how time doesn't matter in true friendships. Even if we are not in regular contact, live far away from each other, or going through different challenges in life the solid bond from the past helps us to reconnect instantly when we meet and we pick up from where we left. Trust is beautiful.

I have to admit it was hard to decide where to go and what to do after travelling when my initial idea was to meet my twin and take it from there. I furthermore knew I needed to find a source of income and settle somewhere but I realized that these urges were coming from fear and from society's expectations so I waited instead. I put a question out to the universe asking "where shall I go from here?". In the next few days, I started to watch inspirational videos on youtube such as Super Soul Sessions and TED talks, when my answer arrived in Oprah's interview with RuPaul from 1995 in which RuPaul says: "Find out what makes you unique and special and cultivate that and bring that out. ...It was good for me going back home (at the age of 28) because I got to recharge my battery and understand what it is I want to go out there and do in the first place."

My soul could identify with this message and I made the choice to pace myself and go back to my parents' home for the now. With this decision, I managed to stop myself from repeating the pattern of applying for jobs, that are easy to get but I am not connected to them, just because I feel financially insecure. I, instead, took the challenge of being penniless and figure out what I want to do next.

What is the "7 chakras 7 islands" book I am working on?

I am putting together a photo book from my Canary Islands journey including introductory information on the energy centres and how they connect to the islands. The idea is based on the Harwitum project's observation according to which "...the volcanic energy currently possessed by the group of islands helps to give impetus to the activation of the energy centers."

My aim with the book is to share my experience with a wider audience to inspire and encourage people to leave their comfort zone, travel, and grow with the journey. As Ralph Waldo Emerson says "It's not the destination, it's the journey that matters." With my stories, I would like to bring awareness to soul connections, soul growth, and soul healing as well.

What happened between my twin and me?

To my BIG surprise, we didn't meet. I wanted to see him to find out how he was after the "un-identified" nervous breakdown and to see if we could re-connect and check if his heart was opening up with the current energetic shift that was upon us. You know, it's Spring and people are generally more open, loving, and relieved from the pressure of the cold, dark winter days. We start to wear fewer layers and show more from our body parts, which is in synch with our inner self, so consequently, we show more from our inner things such as feelings.

Maybe I expected to meet him because he said he would like to meet me too and because I hear from Twin Flame youtube videos that it is "union time" and "masculine is coming forward", "DM is open for love with DF" etc. I was disappointed not to see him. I really needed a hug.

So long story short, he did have the chance to meet me but he chose not to and I did have the chance to go to his bed but I chose not to and we're back where we had been before: in separation with no communication.

It is so very extremely frustrating that he is still NOT expressing himself! If I was a volcano, I would erupt now! 🌋 There is no word invented for the extremity of such frustration he causes in me but you get the idea with the volcano comparison. People say twins mirror each other's feelings. So if he makes me feel frustrated, I should dig within myself to find out the cause because he triggers extreme lows and extreme highs within me. And yes, he also triggers my need for honesty and respect. I have noticed that I am more in my headspace nowadays and much less in my heart. I let my ego protect me by setting boundaries against his immature behaviour.

It's not his action I have a problem with but his dubious behaviour. This is what happens between us:

* He says he wants to meet me but he doesn't do anything about it. However, he does make time to go out with others. It gives me the feeling that he leads me on. It doesn't matter that his higher self loves me when he physically pulls away from me.

This is how it goes between us:

(no answer for 2 months)

Him (divine masculine): "I want to meet you!!!!"

Me (divine feminine): How about this weekend?

Him:

(no answer...for 2 months)

2 months later a similar scenario happens and it goes on repetitively until today. Actually, the months of silence are longer now. After 1.5 years I stopped trusting his real interest in me (my ego didn't like his ego) but my soul really liked his soul which made me difficult to detach from him. Anyway, I was finally strong enough to set boundaries.

* Why doesn't he explain why he can't meet me and find another time to see each other? This way he is honest and still shows interest. Plus he wouldn't give the feeling that he's hiding something. Probably because (a) he's a narcissist (b) he's hiding something. This was my future self.

What is the point of the soul connection if his earthy self shows no interest?

Now that I have written about it, I feel such a fool for not having had a better judgment on us. I believed and hoped for us until now. I used to have a strong deep connection to him and now after a year gap and no change from his side the connection feels the opposite: old rutty energy that is hard to trust. It doesn't make sense anymore. Interestingly last night when I practised the chakra meditation and reached the HEART CHAKRA, where I tested if I could connect to my twin's heart, a cold shiver sensation run through my chest. I stopped the process of connecting to him and the cold sensation was gone instantly. Then I tested it again, feeling and visualizing him, and the same cold shiver appeared on my chest again. He's gone cold. Or have I gone cold on him? If we mirror each other then probably both of us have gone cold.

⭐︎


Some extra info I have found out about twin flames after I had a distant reiki session with a practitioner.

The practitioner told me:

"You are I believe a divine twin flame, whether your Twin is incarnated or not or if you have met him/her is irrelevant. But you do have one (I get it's a him). It means your one of the 144,000 lightworkers who have incarnated here to serve the earth in coming into the new age."

Why 144 thousand twins?

"The 144 are noted in the Christian bible in the book of Enoch who are basically the aliens the Pleiadians etc who control the energy of the earth." added the reiki practitioner.

Aren't 144 000 lightworkers too little for a mission to elevate the vibration of the Earth when the population is billions?

For this question I found the answer in Christie Marie Sheldon's video:

Vibration diagram

According to studies "The average of all human beings on the planet is only a little bit over 200 vibrational frequency. One person of 500 (LOVE) can positively change the frequency of those at level 200 (COURAGE) and lift 750 000 people. If 1 person has a vibration of 600 (PEACE) can positively affect 10 million people. One person at the vibration 700 (ENLIGHTENMENT) can positively impact 70 million people" presented by Christie Marie Sheldon in the above video.

That is why it is important to be your true self because you can change your environment and influence the world with just you being you.

Some also say that Twins wouldn't have met if they were not meant to be together in this lifetime. What if twins have different missions and some are not meant to be together but complete a journey separately and teach through their experience individually?

I haven't found the answer for this but I also believe that if twins meet in this life it's because they are meant to be together. However "meant to be together" doesn't guarantee that you will be together.

☹ ☺ ☁ ☀✗✓♡

ALSO...

Let me share some brilliant lines from the current book I am reading that boosted my confidence & empowered me to let go of my twin.

"When you continually repeat a mistake it's not a mistake anymore - it's a choice."

"If you keep repeating the same behaviours over and over while somehow expecting to achieve a different result - then you must start thinking and behaving differently from the way you have been so far"

"If you have friends (I am thinking of my DM) who are selfish, all-about-me jerks, you have chosen to have them in your life. If the people around you make you unhappy it's not their fault - it's yours. They are in your life because you drew them to you, and you let them stay. You made the choices, you thought the thoughts and you created the circumstances you are now in."

I highly recommend this book to everyone! There are many inspirational quotes, stories, and advice on how to start to live the life you want spiced with Allan and Barbara's humour which makes it encouraging to implement changes and laugh at our silly habits. They write about the Law of Attraction in a way that is super easy to understand. They KISS (= Keep It Simply Straight) on how you unconsciously apply this law in almost every aspect of your life and the consequences of it.

I have received great insight again from Hazel's (@Illuminated Souls) latest energy reading video which explained to me why I could have gone cold on my twin and what is this "now or never" in me for him and the disconnection from the whole twin flame topic and move on. "You can't spend any more time than you've spent already.... It wouldn't be healthy to carry on in this way realistically when this man (the Divine Masculine counterpart) has not come back..."

It seems that my twin flame journey that I treated as one of my creative projects (nurture, give space to grow, refine, work on, etc.) has reached completion for the now, and "the twin flame program gets transferred to the masculine energy". It seems that the current energetic shift moves me forward in my individual direction which path is different from my twin's path and is different from what I believed was my path together with my twin. And it feels okay.

Thank you for reading!

Until next time! ♡