In between


It's disturbing to be back in the city after 7 months adventurous travelling and is inspirational at the same time. I like the cultural, social and artistic aspects and I like that the services (shopping, commuting) are smooth and fast but the prices are intimidating for my currently thin wallet. Being in the city feels familiar yet foreign as by now I have got used to being on the road and embrace the unknown. So the unknown have become the feeling of the known. And the previously known have become the feeling of the unknown. That's true in most situations when you are away from your routine/ home for a longer period of time - for example when you were in school and had 2 months summer holiday - and with that you adjust to a new rhythm and maybe a new way of living.

For a few years now I have been inspired to live a simplified lifestyle with feeling large within. By large I mean with a large open satisfied soul, not ego. And I met this line that helped me clarify what I could not explain to myself properly: "There is no better feeling in the world than knowing you helped someone else by sharing your experience with others." hayhouse.com That's what I mean! :)

And there was another quote I've heard (I'm sorry don't remember by whom): "I want to make a living by who I am". I could identify with this feeling as propeller for a new direction on my life journey and started to take actions toward these goals. This is when I started to travel and I am now drawn to live in a camper van, travel more and work remotely. I would really love to do it with my twin, but psst! He doesn't know it yet.

So city...

I spent 2 weeks in London with the plan to sort my stuff from my friend's loft space, catch up with my girlfriend and meet my twin. The latter didn't happen. However I am proud of my packing and organising skills as I managed to reduce my belongings for 4 bags that I shifted to my parents' home in Hungary.

And this is where I am since mid-April. In Hungary, my home country. I am temporarily swinging between my parents' and my friends' homes until I finish the little adventure book on my "7 chakras 7 islands" experience. It is fantastic how time doesn't matter in true friendships. Even if we are not in regular contact, live far away from each other or going through different challenges in life the solid bond from the past help us to reconnect instantly when we meet and we pick up from where we left. Trust is beautiful.

I have to admit it was hard to decide where to go and what to do after travelling when my initial idea was to meet my twin and take it from there. I furthermore knew I needed to find a source of income and settle somewhere but I realised that these ideas were coming from fear and society's expectations so I waited. I put a question out to the universe asking "where shall I go from here?". In the next few days I started to watch inspirational videos on youtube -another great aspect of the city to have internet and wifi- Super Soul Sessions and TED talks, when my answer arrived in Oprah's interview with RuPaul from 1995 in which RuPaul says: "Find out what makes you unique and special and cultivate that and bring that out. ...It was good for me going back home (at the age of 28) because I got to recharge my battery and understand what it is I want to go out there and do in the first place."

My soul could identify with this message and I made the choice to pace myself and go home for the now. With this choice I managed to stop myself from repeating the pattern of applying for quick jobs just because I feel financially insecure.

What is the "7 chakras 7 islands" book I am working on?

I am putting together an inspiring photo book from my Canary Islands journey with adding introductory information on the energy centres and how they connect to the islands. The idea is based on the Harwitum project's observation according to which "...the volcanic energy currently possessed by the group of islands helps to give impetus to the activation of the energy centers."

My aim with the book is to share my experience with a wider audience to inspire and encourage people to leave their comfort zone, travel and grow with the journey. As Ralph Waldo Emerson says "It's not the destination, it's the journey that matters." With my stories I would like to bring awareness in soul connections, soul growth and soul healing as well.

What happened between my twin and I?

To my BIG surprise we didn't meet. I wanted to see him as a friend first to see how he is after the "un-identified" nervous breakdown and to see if we can re-connect and check if his heart was opening up with the current energetic shift that is upon us. You know, it's Spring and people are generally more open, loving and relieved from the pressure of the cold, dark winter days. We start to wear less layers and show more from our body parts. That is in synch with what is going on within us like showing more from our truth and feelings.

Maybe I expected to meet him because he said he would like to meet me too and because I hear from Twin Flame youtube videos that it is "union time" and "masculine is coming forward", "DM is open for love with DF" etc. I am not going into details with why we didn't meet as I don't know what is going on under the surface. But I believe there is a thoughtful way to communicate with the person you care about which doesn't involve disappearing without a word. And if even just 2 minutes from 24 hours after 1 year of not seeing each other sounds too much then the problem is not with time, it's with the way of thinking.

So he did have the chance to meet me but he chose not to and I did have the chance to go to his bed but I chose not to and we're back where we had been before: in separation with no communication.

It is so very extremely frustrating that he is still NOT expressing himself! If I was a volcano, I would erupt now! 🌋 There is no word invented for the extremity of such frustration he causes in me but you get the idea with the volcano. :) People say twins mirror each other's feelings. So if he makes me feel frustrated, I shall dig in me to find out the cause because he triggers something within me. And yes, he triggers my need for honesty and respect. It felt I reached a point of make it or break it with the whole Twin Flame journey. I have noticed that I am more in my head space nowadays and much less in my heart. I let my ego protect me with setting boundaries against his immature behaviour.

It's not his action I have problem with but his dubious behaviour. This is what happens between us:

* He says he wants to meet me but he doesn't do anything about it. However he does make time to go out with others. It gives me the feeling that he leads me on. It doesn't matter that his higher self love me when he physically pulls away from me.

This is how it goes between us:

(no answer for 2 months)

Him (divine masculine): "I want to meet you!!!!"

Me (divine feminine): How about this weekend?

Him:

(no answer...for 2 months)

2 months later a similar scenario happens and it goes on repetitively until today. Actually the months of silence are longer now. After 1.5 year I stopped trusting his real interest in me (my ego didn't like his ego) but my soul really liked his soul which made me difficult to detach from him. I, however, felt it was time to set boundaries.

* Why doesn't he call/ message me to explain why he can't meet me and offer another time to see each other? This way he is honest and still shows interest. Plus he wouldn't give the feeling that he's hiding something.

Then all he has to do is put his words into action. If he doesn't make the effort he delivers the message of being unreliable, disinterested, insecure (of telling the truth). My twin is way behind me with integrity. I told him one day to "Treat others the way you want to be treated." when I called his attention to his confusing behaviour but he didn't get the message. He was sunk in victim mentality blaming other people and his circumstances for his mistakes. He didn't take responsibility for his choices and was not in charge of his life. This is not sexy! :) A man without confidence and integrity is not sexy. It's my personal opinion. I mean no offence or harm on men with this statement. Anyway, it seems my twin hasn't grown since I last saw him (over a year now) at least he shows no signs of his growth in his behaviour toward me.

Just wanted to share some truth what is going on under the Twin Flame love scenario. What is the point of the soul connection if his earthy self shows no interest?

It's funny now that I have written the above lines I feel such a fool of not having had a better judgement on us. I believed and hoped for us before when I was feeling such strong deep connection to my twin and now after a year gap and no change from his side makes the connection feels the opposite: old rutty energy that is hard to trust. It doesn't make sense anymore. Not even to my soul. Interestingly last night when I practised the chakra meditation and reached the HEART CHAKRA, where I tested if I could connect to my twin's soul, cold shiver sensation run through my chest (the heart chakra is in the centre of your chest). I stopped the process of visualising him and the cold was gone instantly. Then I tried again feeling and visualising my twin and the same cold shiver appeared on my chest. He's gone cold. Or have I gone cold on him? If we mirror each other's feelings then probably both of us gone cold. :D Very interesting!

??

Some extra infos I have found out about twin flames (and about me) after I had a distant reiki session with a practitioner.

The practitioner told me:

"You are I believe a divine twin flame, whether your Twin is incarnated or not or if you have met him/her is irrelevant. But you do have one (I get its a him). It means your one of the 144,000 light workers who have incarnated here to serve the earth in coming into the new age."

Why 144 thousand twins?

"The 144 are noted in the christian bible in the book of Enoch who are basically the aliens the Pleiadians etc who control the energy of the earth."

I am not religious, I didn't read the Bible but for all of us to know that's the answer I got from the reiki practitioner when I asked where the 144 000 number is from.

Aren't 144 000 light workers too little for a mission to elevate the vibration of the Earth when the population is billions?

For this question I found the answer in Christie Marie Sheldon's video:

Vibration diagram

According to studies "The average of all human beings on the planet is only a little bit over 200 vibrational frequency. One person of 500 (LOVE) can positively change the frequency of those at level 200 (COURAGE) and lift 750 000 people. If 1 person has a vibration of 600 (PEACE) can positively affect 10 million people. One person at the vibration 700 (ENLIGHTENMENT) can positively impact 70 million people" presented by Christie Marie Sheldon in the above video.

That is why it is important to be your true self because you can change your environment and influence the world with just you being you.

Some also say that Twins wouldn't have met if they were not meant to be together in this lifetime. What if twins have different missions and some are not meant to be together but complete a journey separately and teach through this experience individually?

I haven't found answer for this but I believe too that if twins meet in this life it's because they are meant to be together. However "meant to be together" doesn't guarantee that you will be together.

☹ ☺ ☁ ☀✗✓♡

ALSO...

Let me share some brilliant lines from the current book I am reading that boosted my confidence & empowered me to let my twin go.

"When you continually repeat a mistake it's not a mistake any more - it's a choice."

"If you keep repeating the same behaviours over and over while somehow expecting to achieve a different result - then you must start thinking and behaving differently from the way you have been so far"

"If you have friends (I am thinking of my DM) who are selfish, all-about-me jerks, you have chosen to have them in your life. If the people around you make you unhappy it's not their fault - it's yours. They are in your life because you drew them to you, and you let them stay. You made the choices, you thought the thoughts and you created the circumstances you are now in."

I highly recommend this book to all who are not in charge of their lives and live a fear based life. There are many inspirational quotes, stories and advice on how to start to live the life you want spiced with Allan and Barbara's humour which makes it encouraging to implement changes and laugh on our habits. They write about the Law of Attraction in a way that is super easy to understand. KISS= Keep It Simply Straight on what it is and how you unconsciously applying this law in almost every aspects in your life and the consequences of it.

I have received great insight again from Illuminated Souls latest TF and energy reading video which explained to me why I could have gone cold on my twin and what is this "now or never" in me for him and the disconnection from the whole twin flame topic and move on.

"You can't spend any more time that you've spent already.... It wouldn't be healthy to carry on in this way realistically when this man (the Divine Masculine counterpart) has not come back..."

Here's the link for her youtube video: Twin Flames Completion (just click on the underlined title)

Hope I wasn't too confusing. It seems and feels that my twin flame journey that I treated as one of my creative project (nurture, give space to grow, listen, work on, find solutions etc.) has reached completion for the now and "the twin flame programme gets transferred to the masculine energy". It seems that the current energetic shift moves me forward in my individual direction which path is different from my twin's path and is different from what I believed was my path together with my twin. And it feels okay.

Thank you for reading!

Until next time! ♡