December and January were rough months alone on the island. I spent majority of my time inside cleaning, tidying and airing the flat. I bought Palo Santo and exercised a ritual I created randomly according to which I imagined to free up the old stuck energy (as the windows and door were locked for long years), thanked the energy that it had looked after the flat and asked it to leave through the open windows toward the surrounding ocean and the mountain allowing the new joyful, loving, inspiring energies to enter as replacement.
It’s a lie that it is always warm and sunny on the Canary Islands! Until now, which is mid-February, the sky had been mostly cloudy and it rained every week. My neighbour, who has been living on El Hierro for 9 years, says winter is not normally as bad as it is now. I panicked because I discovered that my roof was leaking, leaving ugly brown crack marks on the white ceiling of the hall. I was wearing my winter coat inside and outside the flat and no amount of Joe Dispenza meditation could make me feel better about the fact that I was cold! "Be greater than your environment!"
Imagine cooking, eating, cleaning, sleeping in heavy layers on you! It can be adventurous for a little while and I could have fun playing camping inside the flat in 9 celsius degrees, but then it turned to be a pain. Literally! My joints in one of my knees and one of my elbows started to hurt and with that a new physical symptom of my mysterious illness added to the existing ones. If the root of my problem really is candida infection then it makes sense that my condition worsen in cold, damp conditions as fungus and certain bacterias grow and spread in such environment. And if my mum was infected and her mum was infected too it is more than possible that I was growing together with candida as an embryo with free highway leading to my cells and particles to damage my unborn body. For more on the unnoticed bacterial infections and the damages they “secretly” cause to your immune system you can read in the book GAPS diet by Natasha Campbell-McBride. Up until recently, when I gathered the knowledge on what and how could damage my health, I have been actively feeding the harmful bacterias inside of me and now I may have to spend the rest of my life healing it. Hallelujah! Maybe there is nothing spiritual about the connection between my health and my twin but merely science and my twin has nothing to do with it but my mom. I still believe however that the love and recognition from my twin could help rise my vibration and with that support my healing. I don’t think the love for myself, which consists the feelings of self-confidence, self-worth, self-satisfaction, independence just to mention a few, can be compared to the love of a partner who truly cares about me. A companion who makes me feel I belong. The feeling when you know you are special to someone and THAT someone showers you with waves of warmth. They say twin flames and soul mates never quite feel complete until they are together with their flame or mate. Does that mean that I may have to settle along with my loneliness feeling? Just thinking of my twin who has free will and he can choose not wanting to do anything with our connection for as long as he wishes. No matter how hard the universe is trying to wake him up, his ego can say Fxxx off. End of story. Will I get a soul mate relationship then? Or how does it work? What will I get for my efforts and good will I invest in our healing? Some say you get a “compensation” partner who will be nearly as satisfying as the real flame would be but I guess we are all just guessing about these things. I would be very happy with a “nearly as satisfying as the real flame” partner as long as it feels right to me. I am looking for the connection, not the man. The connection with a man. A partner in the crime of L O V E .
Now loneliness... I am on and off with the feeling of "alone" and the feeling of not belonging. It usually comes to the surface of my awareness within a week before my period starts when my hormones are all over me. I can feel desperately alone and what’s more, feeling tired of being alone/ feeling the pain of being alone. I feel so sorry for myself that I cry an ocean in the apartment. Do other ladies do the same? I wonder.. I noticed that this deep loneliness feeling regularised itself within me from about the time my twin came to my life. I have observed that it erupts in my chest (Heart Chakra) then it moves down to my stomach area (Solar Plexus) making me too weak to eat. All of my feelings are connected to my stomach even the positive ones so it’s not a surprise when it plays games with food and I am sure many of us have experienced this. Please say yes, at least we can belong! :)
I admit my conscience painful "alone" feeling started at the age of 18 (1+8 = 9 and 9 is my key life purpose number) when my karmic friend cut ties with me. It took me years to get used to the feeling of not having soulful connection to anyone. Then 7 years later my karmic friend was back in my life and the loneliness feeling was hidden until she was around me then deepened when I met my twin. If this is what I signed up for before I came down to Earth, I can only congratulate to myself! And I have to add “I just don’t get it!” Why is learning through experience designed to be painful?
You have to forgive me! I am right before my period and it feels dangerously good to be negative and sarcastic before the bleeding begins!
Let me point out that there is a difference between "feeling alone" and "feeling lonely". I don't usually feel lonely but alone yes. I admit that I choose being alone over being in a toxic relationship of any kind (friendship, lover, family). I love to have the right ones around me to share and spread the positive, loving, supportive energies within and around us.
Let me also mention that the pain on the right side of my neck, shoulder and back that I started to develop around February 2017 is gone! I’ve just noticed recently but it might have been gone for a while! During Spring and Summer I was very stiff on the right side and I thought it might have had something to do with my twin’s energy who is the masculine energy and the right side is the masculine side in the human body. Now that I feel no connection to my twin whatsoever, the pain could have disappeared with him.
Now getting back to the flat situation on the island...
I am kicked out of my comfort zone BIG time. I sleep on the floor (yes, still!) and for 1.5 months I dressed from my suitcase. Then I ordered a clothes rack from IKEA with storage shelves which filled me with delight when I could finally unpack my luggage and hang my few clothes. I continue to refuse to sleep on the bed as the mattress is in a very bad condition and I am afraid to find out if there are some bugs hiding in it. Although I only met dead dried bugs, spiders, maggots during my thorough cleaning bleaching adventure mainly under and behind the furnitures I thought some worms might have survived the abandonment and don’t want to risk to face another trauma. After all this is the tropicals! 🌴 🦎
I felt cold most days and I pushed myself to go out when I saw it was sunny to warm up my body during the walk to the lava rocks where I lied on the sun-heated black rocks and practised meditation. Then eventually I bought a fan that blows hot air so that I was OK to stay in and that also helped to dry my washed clothes. I could only afford the cheapest, €15 fan that turned out to be the noisiest at the same time but the warmth it provided made me feel so comfortable that I didn’t care about the noise. I started to feel much better in my skin and positive in my mind again. I created a sofa-like setting with using the blankets and sleeping bag I had hanged down from the unused bed on to the floor thus I could sit and type my days away. I could time-travel 7 years back into the stories and feelings of my life as a fashion assistant in London of which I am writing about. My laptop was either in my lap, where it was designed to be according to its name, although mine is a MacBook Air but I guess it falls in the category of laptops, until my legs started to hurt. Sometimes I used a drawer from the cupboard as mini table in front of me and typed that way. Then I changed positions after positions each time my legs got tired and soon it became night time and I changed my “sofa” into a bed. During the day it was very cloudy, grey and windy outside which I didn’t want to see. It was very much like the London weather. I use a flower print bed sheet as curtain because I have no curtains yet and when the weather was that depressive I covered the window. The flowers were nicer to see than the ugly sky. I also shut the door to keep the warmth circulating inside the small room. I created my little warm and somewhat darkish cave which helped me to pay attention to the bright computer screen and bring the stories out of me with focusing within. The outside world stopped existing and I had zero distraction.
I don’t know if it was part of my healing process e.g. cleaning a 3 bedroom flat from spider webs, piles of dried maggots, dirt and wall crumbles on floor and furniture (above, below, inside and behind!) then disinfectant everything can be psychologically connected to inner cleaning/ weeding like getting rid of old messy and toxic emotions/ memories. However I don’t feel I have these feelings or memories. I mean not as my own personal experience (unless it is a childhood experience that I don’t remember...) It could be that I was doing it for somebody else whose energy I am here to heal and transform if I am a transmuter and light worker. I may never find out whose “mess” I was cleaning but I have to say I don’t want to go through with it again in this life time. It was VERY disgusting! One thing that kept me going was that I saw the bigger picture. I kept reminding myself of why I was doing it and visualised the end result of my purpose. THE DREAM of having my own place that I share with like-minded adventurous travellers with what creating a new source of income and a possible lifestyle change for a better & healthier way of being. I have been fascinated with the idea of living on an island for a long time and I have also been playing with the idea of not just travelling but hosting travellers. Both dreams seemed to be catching up with me in the NOW and I welcomed the challenges without much thinking.
The other thing I wanted, which was actually the initial purpose of staying here, is writing. Writing is part of my general well-being both emotional and mental. And listen to this! I copy the text below from my diary written on 3rd January:
"I’ve just realised something:
The position of the Solar Plexus (self, ego, who you are at a core level) chakra is the pit of the stomach. That’s where the energy centre is. Related organs: stomach, liver, pancreas, lungs, adrenal gland, large intestine, human digestive system
That is why I have health issues originating from the stomach as I am not living, being, doing who I am at a core level which I think is writing. If I write, the happy hormones/ chemistry of my cells change the balance I have more from the good feeling than the bad which will result healing. This is what happened in Hackney when I started to write and lived the life that brought self-satisfaction and the feeling of wholeness in me. I was on the track with my mission and I was also living in a flat that I called home where I was happy and felt equal to my flatmates unlike later when there was always 1 dominating and control freak housemate that caused difficulties and made me feel I am below them which I knew I wasn’t.
When I flew back to El Hierro from Gran Canaria my gate number again was 36 (which is my life purpose number 36/9) just like when I flew from London to El Hierro the first time in August. I mean the destination was El Hierro in both cases but I needed to change flight at Tenerife so to be more precise my gate number was 36 in both London - Tenerife and Gran Canaria - Tenerife cases. I am not sure if Tenerife is an important detail I should consider too knowing now that Tenerife is the Heart chakra island?
I have also realised that I am becoming 36 years old in 2018 (2+0+1+8=11 and 11 is an ascension number). It is January now and I am becoming 36 in September which is 9 months away. So this year may be important regarding my Life Purpose Journey as my numbers are 36/9 and can be a turn around for living, being, doing and succeeding in my (believed) purpose!
The situation I am in with this flat I am renting on El Hierro has brought back the Hackney Road (London) experience when I started to write my book 7 years ago.
- run down flat that needs improvement to become a home
- the house is next to a farm like the Hackney Road flat which was next to Hackney City Farm
- having little money…almost nothing
- walking everywhere
- eating my survival meal: brown rice with onions
- my parents send me a little money to help me out at the initial stages of changes
- I have no bedding, duvet and sleeping on a dodgy old mattress
- I have no internet (in London I eventually I bought internet stick but it is not available on El Hierro)
- I am watching the Sex & The City episodes again which get me connected to fashion and writing and the city again, also bringing back the feelings and inspiration for becoming a writer just like it happened in Hackney
- my original brown hair colour is growing out pushing the blonde down…and however much I love being blonde I have no money to have my hair re-done (nor a talented hair stylist on the island!) I am going with the flow and let my natural colour grow out
It seems that I am re-living the experience, the feelings and the lifestyle of that period in my life when I stepped into being my true self.
I also want to share in what amazing ways the Universe is taking care of me this time!
“THE UNIVERSE ALWAYS SUPPORTS YOU UNTIL YOU ARE ON YOUR PATH”
At the end of January I was preparing myself to eat every second day as I run very low on money then within the next few days my neighbour knocked on my door and handed me bunches of freshly picked bananas, pineapples, a papaya and eggs. He also gave me pieces of chocolates the day after I was salivating on them at the shop (I am a professional chocolate and cake eater!) but I stayed disciplined and only bought brown rice and water. Around this time my Airbnb bookings started to come in too! One after the other BANG BANG BANG providing me with financial security for the next month. And this is where I am now.
Now Twin Flame journey update...
The Sun is out and delight has moved in me. My meditation is powerfully affective on the sun and lava rocks. I feel my vibration has risen and I am no longer connected to lower vibration like the pain and confusion my twin causes in me. Also my karmic friend is back in my dream making me feel left out, alone (and jealous?). The feelings that my twin brought back when I looked at his ski photo. The camper van man made me feel worthy for my needs and deserving the man who values me.
Basically I had manifested my dream living, being and doing but it is still shaping! For example I forgot to think of manifesting comfort at home but the Sun compensates me for that feeling when it’s out shining bright. I always wanted to try living on an island although I imagined it would happen on a later stage of my life for example when I retire. It’s happening now and I am going with the flow with the goods and bads. I admit it is very challenging alone as a young woman in an environment where I don’t speak the language and living on a small budget in a flat which is not in a very good condition. Along with my inner abilities of manifestation, trust and meditation exercises technology is my biggest help! I bless the Spanish-English translator app on my phone and the fan that blows warm air on me on the cold lonely days. I am happy that my computer is still healthy and allows me to watch movies on from my drive and provides me with the platform for writing, editing photos and videos which are important part of me. I am also very happy for my creativity and strong will that helps me carry on no matter what.
Thank you for reading/ watching!
Until next time ♡